Blithering Idiots

The proud motto of northern Europe’s crack rapid-reaction force is ad omnia paratus. Prepared for everything, everywhere. But the heraldic lion above the Latin tag now sends a less plucky message – he has just been digitally emasculated and, though technically still a lion rampant, he does not seem to be ready for anything, anywhere.

The change was implemented after a group of women Swedish soldiers protested that they could not identify with such an ostentatiously male lion on their army crest. A complaint of sex discrimination was then lodged with the European Court of Justice.

“We were forced to cut the lion’s willy off with the aid of a computer,” Christian Braunstein, from the Tradition Commission of the Swedish Army, said.

Now the Nordic Battlegroup, a force of 2,400 soldiers, is looking deeply embarrassed. For sceptics who already consider the Nordic Battlegroup to be something of an oxymoron – it is led by the Swedes, who were last in battle in 1809 – the operation on the lion is not an auspicious omen.

“A castrated lion – the perfect symbol for European defence policy,” an American military blogger sneered.

They seem not to have noted that said lion still has a mane.

6 comments on “Blithering Idiots

  1. And the Times fail to point out that each country’s heraldic rules are different … A quick check of my bookshelves shows that Scotland’s Heraldic Heritage that Alexander II’s great seal shows the lion rampant sans pizzle and the three (you learn something every day – 2 from the Norman kings and one from the blazon of Eleanor of Acquitaine) lions passant guardant similarly ill equipped. Interestingly Stephen Friar’s “Heraldry” shows a 1662 Charles II shield where the lion and unicorn supporters are very obviously male.

    And shouldn’t a ‘crack rapid reaction force’ have actually gone somewhere, at some point to deserve the title?

  2. What no-one seems to have clued in on so far is that lions are not dogs.

    As anyone who has kept cats should know, toms have very discreet arrangements, and are, by the standards of willy-waving species like ours, woefully underendowed for their size.

    A lion’s penis is normally entirely concealed, and even when erect, points downwards, and is about the size of my little finger.

    I think we should congratulate the move from heraldic maned greyhounds to something a little more zoologically correct.

  3. Future archaeologists and historians may well mark this down as the final nail in the coffin for Western civilisation.

    Or Kaffirdom as it will probably be called by then.

    Not only do we too have out of control immigration (although they are not yet armed with much beyond suicide bomb belts) but we also have a strange ideology sapping the manly virtues of our forebears.

    Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.

  4. Seems like time for my best lion joke. Actually, it’s a tiger joke–but any excuse will do.

    Circus has had its lion-tamer killed by the lion and is auditioning prospective job-seekers. One experienced guy has just been unable to stay even a minute in the cage with the angry lion and been forced to withdraw ignominiously when a lady shows up in a flowing fur coat and asks to perform. “Go ahead, let’s see your act.” says the boss.

    She enters the cage and looks at the lion. The lion looks back at her, growling. She stands there as the lion advances slowly, still growling. Suddenly, she whips off the fur coat, revealing herself entirely naked–and of beautiful form.

    Slowly, the lion advances as she stands her ground. At each step forward, the growling diminishes audibly. Finally, he comes right up and begins licking hungrily at her nether region.

    The boss turns to the other lion tamer, asking him, “Could you do something anywhere near as spectacular?”

    The lion-tamer, thinking for a moment, says
    “Hell, yes. Get that damn lion out of there and just watch me!”

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