Somebody really should make this movie

a cinematic salmagundi in which the hobbits and the Jedi (perhaps even with Jedi hobbits: someone out there has already beaten me to the idea) join forces on Deep Space Nine with James Bond, Dr. Who, Harry Potter, Mr. Tumble, the blokes who give the Royal Institute Lectures and the choir of King\’s College, Cambridge in order to do battle with an evil alliance of hobbit Sith Lords, Predators, and assorted characters from BBC dramatisations of Jane Austen novels (each one of which has been, in my experience, a very worthy effort and fit for anything but watching) which is intent on destroying humanity\’s profound relationship with that pinnacle of human achievement known as the Boost bar, with Mariah Carey singing \’All I Want For Christmas Is You\’ and Kimberley Walsh dancing a Charleston.

Please add your desired scenes so we can get this script moving (did I tell you I went to school with a bloke who has won an Oscar for a screenplay?).

I\’d want to see the scene where Bond feeds the Murphmeister to the shark with a laser on its head. And the one where the Sith Lord climbs out of the Polly Toynbee costume. The adult version might include Emma (Keira Knightly of course) Does Emmerdale as a sub-plot.

Any more requests?

11 comments on “Somebody really should make this movie

  1. Wrong about the Beeb Austens though. P & P was a fine entertainment; Darcy was very good, Lizzie and Mr Bennett excellent. Shame about Mrs B, but you can’t have everything.

  2. Hasn’t he got the Royal Institute lecturers on the wrong side?
    It’s not as if they do much real science these days. More a hodge-podge of environmentalism & global warming propaganda.

  3. It’s a Wonderful Life, where Will Hutton is shown how much different The Work Foundation, GMG and The Observer would have been if he hadn’t been around.

  4. By the by, there are reports that Potty Poll has sold her Umbrian villa. Will she manage to avoid CGT on it? What will she do with the cash: fiddle with it to avoid Inheritance Tax? No doubt in the interest of transparency she’ll keep us all informed.

  5. I’m looking forward to that scene at a late nineties, posh, N London dinner party where Chris Huhne flops helplessly on the table while Michael Mann (played by Danny De Vito), burrows out of his belly.

    The bit where Huhme’s ghastly yellow blood sprays all over Cherie and she licks her lips lasciviously is one of the most frightening in the movie.

    Why yes, I am enjoying a post-prandial drinkie. Why do you ask?

  6. Merry Christmas you fuckers!!!!

    Yells Mel Gibson as he sprays the AA meeting with automatic gunfire.

    Trebles all round!

  7. Texas Chainsaw massacre in mash up with Downton Abbey. Sadly, Downton (I’ve only watched one episode) is so wooden all you’d get is logs, so this suggestion may not make the final cut.

    Happy Christmas one an all. (That’s the last I hear of the Red Flag – originally O Tannebaum – in supermarkets for another 300 days, I hope.)

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