The South Secedes Again! Quick, To Fort Sumter!

“I woke up the morning after the election and saw that Brighton and Hove was now just a tiny red and green island in an absolute sea of blue. And I just wanted somewhere to share my grief,” says Jason Smart, on the moment of visceral mourning that led him to declare the independence of the People’s Republic of Brighton and Hove.

Nations have been founded on a whim, but the People’s Republic of Brighton and Hove may be the first to be founded as a therapeutic device after an unexpected Tory victory. Last week, while the rest of the England was frenziedly voting Tory, Brighton and Hove dug their heels in, and instead voted in a Green MP (Caroline Lucas, her second term and this time with a majority of 8,000) and a Labour MP (Peter Kyle, taking over a traditionally Tory constituency with a majority of just over 1,000).

Smart may have intended the republic as a joke, but as the city, full of environmentalists and lefties, woke up, there was plenty of need for venting of grief and nearly 8,000 people have signed up. There have already been requests for asylum from neighbouring Kemptown, and further north-east, Lewes has requested an invasion and promised to supply the fireworks.


So, where
will be this civil war’s Fort Sumter? Who do they wish to enslave as their Peculiar Institution? Other than everyone in their Forward to the Middle Ages movement, that idea that every peasant deserves his own plough?

And most importantly where do I sign up for Surrey’s March to the Sea? Bit of murder, some plunder, perhaps some rapine of the hairy hippie chicks. And let’s be traditional about this, August 31 sound the right day for you?

Perhaps we could get Pete and Roger to write our battle hymn and Sting to lead the first charge?

(Ask Steve to fill in the dialogue bits)

26 comments on “The South Secedes Again! Quick, To Fort Sumter!

  1. And most importantly where do I sign up for Surrey’s March to the Sea? Bit of murder, some plunder, perhaps some rapine of the hairy hippie chicks.

    Noooooooooooooo! Please let them go. We need to push as many over the border as possible. With a new Berlin Wall to stop any of them coming back. A sort of Hong Kong or Singapore in reverse.

    We let them know in the style of Mr Bennett (you have delighted us long enough), but I suggest a more Cromwellian approach:

    It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonored by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.

    Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter’d your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?

    Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil’d this sacred place, and turn’d the Lord’s temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress’d, are yourselves gone! So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors.

    In the name of God, go!

    Send a copy to the SNP too

  2. Caroline Lucas was indeed re-elected MP, but the Greens lost control of Brighton & Hove City Council. That’s what happens when you can’t even organise the bin collections.

  3. The last time I was in Brighton I saw a man taking a dump on the street in broad daylight.

    Thats it, thats my anecdote, thanks for coming folks.

  4. Tim,
    I don’t think rapine means what you think it does!

    Could we treat the vociferous, aggrieved lefties of Islington in the same fashion?

  5. @Andrew M, bins are emblematic of capitalist-driven environmental destruction. All bin collections will cease forthwith to protect the environment.

  6. “Caroline Lucas was indeed re-elected MP, but the Greens lost control of Brighton & Hove City Council. That’s what happens when you can’t even organise the bin collections.”

    Whenever that’s mentioned at GuardianistaLand there are howls of outrage to point out that the council was a coalition and the Greens were a junior part of that, so had nothing to do with the bins.

    I could never be arsed check if that was the case or to find out the real story.

    Councils up and down the land are perfectly capable of screwing up things like bin collections, with or without help from the Greens.

  7. GlenDorran,

    “I could never be arsed check if that was the case or to find out the real story.

    Councils up and down the land are perfectly capable of screwing up things like bin collections, with or without help from the Greens.”

    Firstly, the Greens were in a minority, but were the largest party, so had minority control. Secondly, there hadn’t been a problem with the bins until the Greens took over. Thirdly, yes, other councils screw it up, but they’re nearly always in hard left councils.

  8. SMFS/The Stigler:

    Cheers (I think?) for that info: wasn’t trying to defend the Greens, more that there comes a point where reading about leftie madness becomes too much and that I didn’t want to actively search for it myself! Having others dig through the shit on my behalf is welcome 😉

  9. Didn’t Brighton Kemptown stay Tory so if Brighton secedes from the UK, Kemptown will secede from Brighton. Such larks.

  10. I have no idea how Brits have managed to screw up bin collection so badly. A mate of mine recently bought a holiday home in Deal, and goes there on occasional weekends. Only he isn’t able to put his bins out early, and isn’t around on the day they are collected, so he has to lug his rubbish bags back to Paris in the boot of the car. Good job he’s not flying, I suppose.

    By contrast, the openly Communist councils running Parisian suburbs seem to operate a system whereby you stick your rubbish in a designated area next to your building – be it ordinary household waste, a torn out kitchen, or an old mattress – and a truck comes by several times per week and collects anything that is there.

  11. A couple of years ago I paid Ealing council to come and collect some glass panels that I’d removed from the bathroom. Left them in the front yard for them to collect. The council successfully moved the panels from the front yard to the street… where they left the glass in several hundred pieces.

  12. I live in what is, by all accounts, the most eco-friendly country in the world. I leave a bin bag full of unsorted trash on the curb twice a week and a cheerful gang of smelly men come past in a big truck and take it away, to where I neither know nor care. If I left an old cooker out on the street, within half an hour the Costa Rican equivalent of a pikey would be along to have it away on the back of his van, to our mutual benefit. It’s really not that complicated.

  13. @Bloke in Costa Rica: we used to get a service just like that in Edinburgh. No doubt they’ve changed all that.

  14. @ GlenDorran
    The bin collections improved a bit, but not all that much, after our Conservative Council outsourced them to a private company. So when the contract came up for renewal it was awarded to a different company who now provide a markedly better service.
    Outsourcing with the option of sacking contractors if they fail to meet standards massively reduces the frequency of screw-ups.
    Of course you can get some dedicated public sector workers who provide a better service than the average private sector worker – librarians and district nurses come to mind (and MacBraynes in the 1950s but they were all hangovers from the time before nationalisation so not representative of the public sector) – but the near-impossibility of sacking public-sector shirkers means that we end up expecting appalling service from the public sector and many otherwise decent workers give in to the prevailing shirk ethos.

  15. I’ve already heard one twat say “Cameron has no mandate to govern Scotland” and now this?

    Seriously where do they draw the line? It’s like saying that no one in my home voted Labour in 1997 (or ever for that matter) so they had no right to pass laws that affected us, or something.

    They really are very childish, aren’t they?

  16. 77,

    > Outsourcing with the option of sacking contractors if they fail to meet standards massively reduces the frequency of screw-ups.

    Yes, but the trouble is often the definition of those standards. Sadly, a lot of councils appear to have embraced the idea that the service they’re supposed to provide isn’t getting rid of our rubbish but training us to consume less. So we receive a shit service and the service provider gets accolades from the council for succeeding at making the service just the right kind of shit.

    My in-laws, for instance, live in a house with three adults and three kids. They requested an extra bin when the third kid came along, because the one they had wasn’t enough. And the council refused. Number of bins is decided based on size of house. If your bin isn’t big enough, you need to throw less away. The great bit is that they offered to pay for a bin and asked where they could buy one, and the council informed them that that was immaterial: if two bins were left out, they would only empty one of them.

  17. DJ,

    Quite, and where were they when Tory areas were being cruelly oppressed under the jackboots of fairly democratically elected Labour governments? They’re puerile.

  18. Blimey, I’ve been the other side of the Pond so long I noticed I wrote ‘curb’ instead of ‘kerb’.

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