Truly, we have no problems left

Dog owners should adopt a “stick and flick” method instead of using poo bags, according to advice from the Forestry Commission.

Discarded plastic dog waste bags are an eyesore, the organisation says, and the best approach should a pet foul on a footpath is to find a stick and flick it into the undergrowth.

The guidance was highlighted by Conservative MP Anne Main ahead of a Westminster Hall debate on the issue on Tuesday.

If MPs are discussing how dog shit should be cleared from a forest path then truly, we have no serious problems.

28 comments on “Truly, we have no problems left

  1. I dunno. Dogs are a serious problem. Tens of thousands* of people are mauled to death in the UK every year by dogs.

    *as in “tens of thousands of slaves work in nail-bars in the UK”.

  2. Delamere forest in Cheshire already has signs to this effect.

    To be fair, dog shit is probably one of the most complained about issues by constituents to their MPs.

  3. “Discarded plastic dog waste bags are an eyesore, the organisation says…”

    Then provide dog waste bins and empty them regularly. Sorted!

  4. TN, Netherlands is much the same. Plenty of doggy landmines on the pavements of a morning. Where I live in Hilversum, council services are good at keeping the streets clean but the locals obviously don’t care enough to pick up their own dogs’ shit.

  5. Andrew>

    I’m told the basins nail salons soak one’s hands in are called ‘laves’, from the French for bath. There are probably 10k basins in nail salons in the UK.

    As for the dogshit, sadly this isn’t a sign of nothing wrong, it’s a sign of so much wrong that the government has to discuss rolling-back laws on disposing of dog waste.

    The really bizarre part is that Main’s comments were levelheaded, sensible, and nuanced rather than idiotically dogmatic.

  6. Question for the better informed – the problem disguised here seems to be concerned particularly with very remote spots where people bag the pooh then realise there is nowhere for miles to dump it, so it ends up in trees etc. Is there no way to use biodegradable bags that have a lifespan that exceeds the time the faeces would remain a health hazard?

  7. Then provide dog waste bins and empty them regularly.

    Our Parish Council does exactly that, but people still hang them from trees, in the apparent belief that the poop fairy comes at night to collect them. The same ‘mindset’ permits people to drop their rubbish on the ground a few yards from a prominent waste-bin.

  8. Well Tim, given that 99% of human problems are caused by politicians in the first place, I’d much prefer them to be discussing dog poops than more substantive issues.

    On balance it is probably less expensive.

    And is certainly entirely appropriate.

    The best way to solve the dog poo problem would be a drive to increase dog shit production, headed up by a prominent politician such as Dianne Abbot or Michael Heseltine.

    I think we all know the results.

  9. Been using the stick method for years, having played cricket and golf has given me a good wrist flick, but always carry bags, in case:
    I’m in an urban area
    somebody gets upset

    But it all goes to hell in a handcart when the squits hit. Never take on a dog with a dodgy digestive system….

  10. Today on the agenda for parliament:
    1. Brexit.
    2. Dog poo on forest trails.

    This echoes of Parkinson’t bike-shed example.

  11. The problem with providing doggie waste bins is that visitors seem to expect them every 50 yds because they have demonstrated they are incapable of carrying their bags much further.

  12. BIND>

    Not incapable, just unwilling. Seems to me that the social contract we’re watching evolve is that dog owners will pick up their dogshit, but not carry it around afterwards.

  13. Davedave: called ‘laves’, from the French for bath

    Possibly via the French for “to wash” from the Latin lavare

    I like your idea of the “Dogmatic” device, though.

  14. Davedave – “Not incapable, just unwilling. Seems to me that the social contract we’re watching evolve is that dog owners will pick up their dogshit, but not carry it around afterwards.”

    More interesting is that the social contract seems to be that this is a matter for London. This is, surely, over-centralization. Why should it be a matter for the national government? The social contract seems to be that because we can’t be bothered to vote for local government they will be useless. What are we going to do about it if they are? They won’t pick up the trash. They can’t run schools. What use are they?

    Or maybe we just have too many civil servants in Whitehall?

  15. @MBE
    “Is there no way to use biodegradable bags that have a lifespan that exceeds the time the faeces would remain a health hazard?”
    Curiously enough, the one use bags supermarkets used to give away, before the Green Terror descended, were pretty good in that direction.

  16. TMB>

    That was supposed to be “bathe”, which my schoolboy French tells me is ‘laver’.

    Glad someone noticed dogmatic, though.

    SMFS>

    As usual, you have the wrong end of the stick. The only thing that’s a matter for central government here is placing limits on local jobsworths.

  17. The best approach to the problem of dog shit would be to arm forestry commission workers with shotguns to despatch all dogs.

    Nasty, noisy, smelly sometimes dangerous animals. Why we allow them free reign is utterly beyond me

  18. Now now brave fart, that’s not on. Dogs are much better company than most humans.

    Present company excepted of course.

  19. Dear Mr Worstall

    Over years of looking after other people’s dogs while their regular staff are on holiday, I have developed two methods of waste removal: poo golf, where the lie of the matter is good and the target area off piste, as it were, is reasonably close. A successful shot is most satisfying, and probably accounts for the popularity of golf.

    Where the lie is not good, the distance great or the matter a bit on the soft side, the solution is poo sticks. A pair of suitable sticks, one in each hand, can be used to lift the matter so it can be carried to a suitable repository. The sticks can then be jettisoned into the shrubbery lest someone comes along and gets hold of the wrong end.

    Hope this helps.

    DP

  20. “the best approach should a pet foul on a footpath is to find a stick and flick it into the undergrowth”

    To be fair, isn’t that where the wildlife does it too? Makes some sense if so. I suppose a popular path might have the risk of poop overload around the edges.

    I really wish someone would speak up about cat shit. Never have a problem with dogs turning up in my back garden and dropping one, but f’ing cats…

    Being legally entitled to flick it back to the neighbour’s where it belongs would be most appreciated.

  21. I look forward in a few years to the committee tackling the pressing problem of what to do with all these shitty sticks lying around.

  22. Dog poo nominally carries disease, so flicking-instead-of-disposing is not a good idea in populated areas. If you can flick it over by some bear poop, all is well.

  23. Cat poo carries disease, too. It’s an infection of the brain caused by Toxoplasmosis gondi–a microbe found (in the U.S.)
    to infect approximately 35% of the general population (but over
    95% of cat owners). Essentially, infection causes the infected to LIKE cats and is assumed to aid cats in the pursuit of birds and rodents which become (after being infected from consuming in lawns and gardens) no longer afraid of cats.

  24. That’s interesting, Gene.

    According to Wikipedia, if you read the bit toward the end, Toxo-whatsit can turn you into a fuckwit but protects against multiple sclerosis.

    I suppose if someone’s already a fuckwit it might be beneficial for them to catch it.

  25. “Toxo-whatsit can turn you into a fuckwit”

    That massive steaming turd in Ely is evidently infected with Toxoplasmosis gondi…

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