This needs to be the work of a lone nutter, not a TV programme

A 74-mile long model train track is set to smash a world record when it weaves through the Scottish Highlands later this month.
The miniature steam train will set off on top of a plastic track which is fully recyclable and travel the distance while people tune in to watch the journey on television.
The scale model will travel through the Great Glen and eventually reach its final destination of Inverness, on Scotland’s northern coast.

The record attempt will feature in a new show called ‘The Biggest Little Railway in the World’ and volunteers will live in campsites as they assemble the track.
People are now being sought for the project in order to make everything come together without any hitches.
Producer Charlotte Armstrong said: ‘Filming starts on June 20 and we have five groups in place with around 10 or 12 people in each one.
‘Each group will be laying sections of the track and they will live in campsites along the route – very much like workers did when the Victorian railways were being built.

Grand, grand, idea. But these things really should come from an obsession. Spotty oik who decides to do it in honour of the Young Pretender or summat, with the monomania first being mocked and then gaining a groundswell of support. With a cliff hanger disaster, followed by a thump of the fist into the palm “I’ll just do it right this time.”

With Prince Philip on hand to mutter “Well done laddie, well done” as the train triumphantly wobbles down the main street of Inverness.

It’s just not British if it’s organised, is it?

18 comments on “This needs to be the work of a lone nutter, not a TV programme

  1. It will be when it’s delayed, delayed & delayed again.
    Due to failure to provide an environmental impact assessment & after strenuous objections by the Greens on its effect on Global Warming.
    Finally opens in 2024 at a cost of £2.4billion.

  2. To make it fully British the train will be ordered to stay in the station by a council jobsworth due to the absence of a risk assessment.

  3. It’s just not British if it’s organised, is it?

    The current record holders are the Germans with an 8 mile (presumably 10 KM) track in Hamburg.

    What’s more British than beating the Germans?

  4. “It will be when it’s delayed, delayed & delayed again.
    Due to failure to provide an environmental impact assessment & after strenuous objections by the Greens on its effect on Global Warming.
    Finally opens in 2024 at a cost of £2.4billion.”

    The late great Neil Craig pointed out the case of the Glasgow Monorail.

    Set to cost 300 mil to go from Glasgow Airport to the city centre.

    Craig pointed out to the project leaders that a Stansted Airport style little cinder-track ground based railway line to Paisley station would do the job just as well. Paisley is a rail hub with trains to Glasgow and Edinburgh every half hour plus mainline trains North and South as well.

    The Stansted track had cost £20 mil. He approached the company who built that and they said that they obviously would have to survey but the task was not that much bigger than what they had already done. They offered to do the survey for free.

    The Glasgow gang told Craig they didn’t even look at ideas that had come from outside the Glasgow Council/Scottish Parliament frame.

    Rising costs scuppered the monorail idea. But only after 40 million of tax/rate payers cash had gone on govt lawyers and govt -ordered surveys. The Stansted-style track could likely have been built for that and had change left over.

  5. I was a volunteer helper on James May’s second successful attempt to run a model railway from Bideford to Barnstaple. We were recruited from local model railway societies.

    This project has already been going around the modelling community and is getting a resounding raspberry. It won’t work. The James May line was on a cycle path so had a flat stable surface with easy access. This is over rough ground so will need trestles as well as the track.

    So if it’s heroic failure you are after this will do you nicely.

  6. Dick Strawbridge is involved: so it’ll be a failure. There’s nothing more British than a man in in a silly moustache making a complete cock-up.

  7. Or not like the Victorian workers, as these people are not getting paid.

    I trust C4 will not screen any ads during the programme, as that would be exploitation, wouldn’t it?

    Not even filthy capitalists use slave labour anymore.

  8. If fact the more I read about this the more I think it is a wind up. Plastic track so unlike Hornby where the power comes through metal rails this will have to carry is own batteries, which the motors aren’t built to pull. Also not sure about the adhesion going up gradients of plastic rails.

    The world record is not German but James May’s 9 mile railway and even that distance basically destroyed the locos. 74 miles is a scale 5000 miles. Assuming scale 50mph that would take 5 solid days with battery changes are maintenance stops. Not going to work.

  9. It’s a steam train according to the original post, so why does it need batteries?

    Are they going to lay the track like in The Wrong Trousers?

  10. “Inverness, on Scotland’s northern coast”: Christ, they don’t even know where Inverness is.

  11. 74 miles is about state of the art for guys flying autonomous miniature aircraft. There was some YouTube stuff I watched, couple of guys out in the Far East somewhere. Loop/return to base flight, about that distance. Transmitting video imaging from the onboard camera until passing through a tropical storm put it out. From then on it was data telemetry only. GPS brought the aircraft back to within 100m of its point of departure.
    Combine this with a bunch of guys over in the States. Messing with home brew turbojets… You could probably run a model airliner with scale speeds in the high hypersonic.
    And with YouTube, even the TV channel can be dispensed with.
    Welcome to the 21st century.

  12. Just a thought.
    Maybe these guys could take over running BA, in their spare time. From their bedrooms.
    At least they seem to know what they’re doing.

  13. John Miller,

    Except the filthy capitalist teachers of Wandsworth, of course, who saved money by replacing their paid cleaners with child slave labour. There should be laws against it!

  14. “It’s just not British if it’s organised, is it?”

    He wouldn’t be able to afford the mandatory insurance and compliance team if he did it on his own.

  15. @Fred

    Edinburgh has two white elephants:

    Scottish Parliament: initial estimate £20m, final cost ~£500m

    Edinburgh tram system, line,
    Airport – City centre link ~£1bn

    Added bonus: tram takes longer than bus

  16. What’s the actual record here? Is it the longest traversed model railway track, or is it the furthest distance traversed point-to-point? If it’s just the longest distance traversed on a model railway track, why on earth wouldn’t you just build parallel tracks back and forth across a large, abandoned warehouse floor?

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