Contrary to reports, masturbation does not kill Germans

Masturbation kills up to 100 Germans a year, according to a study which has also uncovered the bizarre ways people have died pleasuring themselves.

One man – wearing pantyhose, a raincoat and a diving suit as well as a plastic bag over his head – died in Hamburg after sitting next to a heater and trying to melt slices of cheese on his body.

No, that’s not masturbation killing him.

Mozzarellaphilia perhaps…..

Another man in Halle was found dead with Christmas tree lights clamped to his nipples having apparently tried to stimulate himself by electrocution.

Teslaphilia?

Forensic examiner Harald Voß said the most common reason for autoerotic deaths was the desire for the ultimate orgasm through depriving oneself of oxygen.

That’s just INXS.

17 comments on “Contrary to reports, masturbation does not kill Germans

  1. Another man in Halle was found dead with Christmas tree lights clamped to his nipples having apparently tried to stimulate himself by electrocution.

    Arthur Harris did nothing wrong.

  2. Mozzarellaphilia perhaps…..

    I would like to quite Horace and say nothing human is alien to me, but f**k no. As with Weinstein, this is a postcard from some other planet.

    If masturbation is not killing Germans they are just not trying hard enough.

  3. I disagree Tim, if you are wanking whilst driving and you end up dead in a car crash.

    Its spanking the monkey that did it.

    Masturabtion can kill….don’t die of ignorance!

  4. “I would like to quite Horace and say nothing human is alien to me…”

    It was Terence, not Horace.

  5. Well, ignoring the original sin thing, I suppose that to gain release from the devil inside, what you need would have to be a new sensation, to get that kick.

  6. If the cheesemelter had managed to melt a slice that would be something else Vaz could snort off a rentboys knob.

    Who says there are no pioneers left?

  7. “Arthur Harris did nothing wrong.”

    Indeed; and the Germans continue to make sauerkraut — a crime against humanity that cries out for retribution.

  8. SS2 and Theo, it was my first thought too.

    I particularly liked the perhaps apocryphal headline: ‘Eighth Army push bottles up Germans’

  9. Forensic examiner Harald Voß said the most common reason for autoerotic deaths was the desire for the ultimate orgasm through depriving oneself of oxygen.

    Well yes, it is hard to think of any other reason why someone would dress up in women’s underwear and put a plastic bag over their head.

    But more importantly, hasn’t German banned the double s in Voß?

  10. Indeed; and the Germans continue to make sauerkraut — a crime against humanity that cries out for retribution.

    It’s simply kimchi with the taste removed.

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