Well, it would be swift at least

Two senior North Korean officials were executed with an anti-aircraft gun in early August on the orders of Kim Jong-un, South Korea’s JoongAng Ilbo newspaper reported, citing people it did not identify.

Ri Yong Jin, a senior official in the education ministry — possibly minister — was arrested for dozing off during a meeting with Kim and charged with corruption before being killed, the paper said. Former Agriculture Minister Hwang Min was purged over a proposed project seen as a direct challenge to Kim’s leadership, it said.

An interesting defence

ASwedish police investigator reportedly dropped a sexual assault charge because the two alleged victims had “gigantic breasts”.

Two women reported a professional ice hockey player to police after he allegedly grabbed their breasts at the Marité nightclub in Ostersund, northern Sweden.

But on Tuesday the lead investigator Mikael Lundberg reportedly said there was no proof the player had assaulted the women, or that the man had touched them intentionally.

“It’s pertinent in this case that the women had gigantic breasts,” he told reporters from Expressen newspaper.

“It wasn’t hard to brush up against them. If you’re drunk and draping yourself over someone, well, you can see how it might have happened.”

Swedish broadcaster SVT also reported that Mr Lundberg had told them that one of the girls had “very large breasts and it was hard not to brush against them.”

Sorta, am I brushing them, or are they brushing up against me?

“We’ve got jambalaya,” she said. “We’re going to be OK.”

As they say, Louisiana is indeed Louisiana.

The scale of the flooding was beyond the reach of any government agency, though. So from the bayous and swamps emerged something locals are calling the “Cajun navy”. Thousands of hunters and fishermen from throughout the region arrived in boats and organized themselves into search-and-rescue parties.

Just looked it up. That area is as flat as a pancake. It’s just the old river delta really. And add 30 inches of rain over a few days……

Yes, a yard of rain.

Brits Abroad

Yes, this is supposed to be a reflection of how awful we are when we leave our sceptered isle. Yet it’s very difficult indeed not to agree with the basic truth of this:

9. Foreign countries in ‘full of foreign people’ shocker!

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

— Holiday Complaints (@HolidayComplain) 5 June 2016

Those of us camping out in Portugal are doing so for a very good reason – Spain is indeed full of Spanish people. As the Portuguese themselves are entirely happy to point out. Plenty of Spanish come here for their holidays, very few to no Portuguese go there. Too many Spics, you see?

How very, very, Russian

Russia has banned the widely popular Durex condoms over a bureaucratic issue regarding the products’ registration, according to the country’s health authorities.

“They [Durex condoms] are not registered in the proper manner,” said Mikhail Murashko, the head of the federal healthcare watchdog, according to Russian news agencies. “The company must observe the law.”

Saudi Arabia as a tourist destination

Well, who wouldn’t want to watch a public execution by beheading?

Well, OK, perhaps lots of people actually. But there’s nothing like niche marketing these days, is there? Actually, you could probably (do I mean probably? No, certainly) make a very pretty penny indeed by charging exorbitant sums and guaranteeing that there will indeed be the fun at the mosque, Friday after prayers. 5 day trip to Dubai for the booze and the hookers, Friday arvo’ off in the copter to whichever Saudi town is having one.

Depending on how much the Saudis want to go for this tourist thing you might even get them to schedule for you. Possibly even arrange to up the rate. Well, maybe not that last but I bet ISIS would….

How to read a Russian news story

Authorities in Moscow have threatened to finally outlaw the city’s beloved shawarma kebabs, claiming that the stalls that sell them have repeatedly failed to comply with sanitation standards.

“We are ridding the streets of all shawarma. It’s going to disappear completely,” city official Alexey Nemeryuk told Russian radio station Komsomolskaya Pravda.

The head of the Moscow department of trade and services added that kiosk owners had refused “to bear even the slightest costs of maintaining proper sanitation standards”.

Those slightest costs being a few readies as backhanders to the inspectors. That’s just how the place works.

This just in from Glenn Greenwald’s boyfriend

The story of Brazil’s political crisis, and the rapidly changing global perception of it, begins with its national media. The country’s dominant broadcast and print outlets are owned by a tiny handful of Brazil’s richest families, and are steadfastly conservative. For decades, those media outlets have been used to agitate for the Brazilian rich, ensuring that severe wealth inequality (and the political inequality that results) remains firmly in place.

Indeed, most of today’s largest media outlets – that appear respectable to outsiders – supported the 1964 military coup that ushered in two decades of rightwing dictatorship and further enriched the nation’s oligarchs. This key historical event still casts a shadow over the country’s identity and politics. Those corporations – led by the multiple media arms of the Globo organisation – heralded that coup as a noble blow against a corrupt, democratically elected liberal government. Sound familiar?

Trying to impeach the President over the mass looting of the state oil company, Petrobras, is all something cooked up by the plutocrat owned media.

Well, yes, it’s a view I suppose.

Canadians sure are weird

The Internet was abuzz with praise for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Saturday after clips showing him schooling an reporter on quantum computing went viral.

Trudeau was a maths teacher. What a weird damn society when teachers actually know something about their own subject. It’ll never catch on.