First thing a Czech would say on reading this story – Gyppoes

Not that they actually use the work Gyppoes of course, they’re ruder than that. The contempt which can be packed into the word Cikán is wondrous to behold and there are worse synonyms.

Czech ‘godmother’, 36, and her family trafficked eight men into the UK and treated them as slaves, taking their wages, forcing them to sleep in a garage and forage in bins for food
Five members of a Czech family trafficked Eastern Europeans into Britain
Gang pocketed their wages and benefits while they treated men as ‘slaves’
Forced them to sleep in cupboards and forage for leftover food in bins
‘Godmother’ Ruzena Tancosova and ‘enforcer’ Petr Tancos got six years
Martin Tancos got three years and his partner Katerina Kuriova got two
Petr’s partner Nela Dzurkova got 30 months at Plymouth Crown Court

Here it is, nine paragraphs down:

The Roma family

Erm….

A former coastguard station (left, inset) in Dover that once housed a radar system key to the 1940 Battle of Britain has been put on the market as a family home for £3.5million. Current owners Sandy and Mary Wallace say new buyer will be ‘inheriting the best view in Britain’, with France visible from the bedroom

Wouldn’t the best view in Britain not include a view of France?

Frogs on holiday

A Frenchman has gone on a frustrated rampage in a tiny New Zealand fishing village after he spent four days waiting for a hitchhiking ride.

The 27-year-old Frenchman arrived in the west coast settlement of Punakaiki, home to just 70-full-time residents, late last week.

According to New Zealand police the man spent four days attempting to hitchhike south.

On the fourth day after no one had picked him up he went “berserk”, allegedly attacking the Welcome to Punakaiki sign with a rock, abusing motorists and throwing other road signs into the local river.

“Oh he threw an absolute hissy fit; he was lying prone on the road screaming that New Zealanders were assholes and he couldn’t wait to get back to Europe,” says local Neil Mouat, who eventually called police after an elderly fisherman “had words” with him, and Mouat feared the altercation could turn violent.

“He was a spoilt millennial, and he created a hell of a din. But all that time he was standing in the wrong place to hitchhike – a corner with poor visibility and nowhere for cars to easily pull over.”

West coast senior sergeant Paul Watson said the man had been hitchhiking around New Zealand for some time and become “enraged” when his travels abruptly halted in the minute settlement of Punakaiki, which has no grocer or corner shop and only basic public facilities.
“That road sees a bit of traffic but this man had no joy, I suspect because of his aggressive behaviour. He also told us he hadn’t eaten for two days so that could have contributed to him losing the plot.”

Nah, it’s just that he’s French

Well, yes, it works

That’s one way to stop traffic! Road safety campaign sees topless women carrying speed limit signs at accident hotspots in Russia
Scheme involves near naked women parading at accident blackspots
Experiment in Severny village showed the idea significantly slowed traffic
Idea has been revived as part of debate on how to reduce road deaths

The thing is, we know it works. Because, you know, men like titties:

Well, it would be swift at least

Two senior North Korean officials were executed with an anti-aircraft gun in early August on the orders of Kim Jong-un, South Korea’s JoongAng Ilbo newspaper reported, citing people it did not identify.

Ri Yong Jin, a senior official in the education ministry — possibly minister — was arrested for dozing off during a meeting with Kim and charged with corruption before being killed, the paper said. Former Agriculture Minister Hwang Min was purged over a proposed project seen as a direct challenge to Kim’s leadership, it said.

An interesting defence

ASwedish police investigator reportedly dropped a sexual assault charge because the two alleged victims had “gigantic breasts”.

Two women reported a professional ice hockey player to police after he allegedly grabbed their breasts at the Marité nightclub in Ostersund, northern Sweden.

But on Tuesday the lead investigator Mikael Lundberg reportedly said there was no proof the player had assaulted the women, or that the man had touched them intentionally.

“It’s pertinent in this case that the women had gigantic breasts,” he told reporters from Expressen newspaper.

“It wasn’t hard to brush up against them. If you’re drunk and draping yourself over someone, well, you can see how it might have happened.”

Swedish broadcaster SVT also reported that Mr Lundberg had told them that one of the girls had “very large breasts and it was hard not to brush against them.”

Sorta, am I brushing them, or are they brushing up against me?

“We’ve got jambalaya,” she said. “We’re going to be OK.”

As they say, Louisiana is indeed Louisiana.

The scale of the flooding was beyond the reach of any government agency, though. So from the bayous and swamps emerged something locals are calling the “Cajun navy”. Thousands of hunters and fishermen from throughout the region arrived in boats and organized themselves into search-and-rescue parties.

Just looked it up. That area is as flat as a pancake. It’s just the old river delta really. And add 30 inches of rain over a few days……

Yes, a yard of rain.

Brits Abroad

Yes, this is supposed to be a reflection of how awful we are when we leave our sceptered isle. Yet it’s very difficult indeed not to agree with the basic truth of this:

9. Foreign countries in ‘full of foreign people’ shocker!

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

— Holiday Complaints (@HolidayComplain) 5 June 2016

Those of us camping out in Portugal are doing so for a very good reason – Spain is indeed full of Spanish people. As the Portuguese themselves are entirely happy to point out. Plenty of Spanish come here for their holidays, very few to no Portuguese go there. Too many Spics, you see?

How very, very, Russian

Russia has banned the widely popular Durex condoms over a bureaucratic issue regarding the products’ registration, according to the country’s health authorities.

“They [Durex condoms] are not registered in the proper manner,” said Mikhail Murashko, the head of the federal healthcare watchdog, according to Russian news agencies. “The company must observe the law.”

Saudi Arabia as a tourist destination

Well, who wouldn’t want to watch a public execution by beheading?

Well, OK, perhaps lots of people actually. But there’s nothing like niche marketing these days, is there? Actually, you could probably (do I mean probably? No, certainly) make a very pretty penny indeed by charging exorbitant sums and guaranteeing that there will indeed be the fun at the mosque, Friday after prayers. 5 day trip to Dubai for the booze and the hookers, Friday arvo’ off in the copter to whichever Saudi town is having one.

Depending on how much the Saudis want to go for this tourist thing you might even get them to schedule for you. Possibly even arrange to up the rate. Well, maybe not that last but I bet ISIS would….

How to read a Russian news story

Authorities in Moscow have threatened to finally outlaw the city’s beloved shawarma kebabs, claiming that the stalls that sell them have repeatedly failed to comply with sanitation standards.

“We are ridding the streets of all shawarma. It’s going to disappear completely,” city official Alexey Nemeryuk told Russian radio station Komsomolskaya Pravda.

The head of the Moscow department of trade and services added that kiosk owners had refused “to bear even the slightest costs of maintaining proper sanitation standards”.

Those slightest costs being a few readies as backhanders to the inspectors. That’s just how the place works.