So, when do we invade Poland?

Prince Charles to celebrate Royal Family’s German heritage in major speech on ‘Brexit tour’

When’s the Crusade into Lithuania? Busbys would look good on the Champs Elysee it has to be said. Switching entirely to a diet of sausages and potatoes might not quite suit but perhaps we can get Hugo Boss to do the spiffy uniforms once again?

The Telegraph never heard of Salic Law?

As a self-proclaimed feminist the Duchess of Sussex would no doubt wish her children to enjoy the same benefits and opportunities as each other, regardless of gender.

But the Government has placed a major obstacle in her way by failing to back a move that would have meant first born daughters inheriting their parents’ titles.

That means that if in the coming weeks Meghan Markle gives birth to a daughter the title of Earl of Dumbarton, bestowed on Prince Harry when they married, will not be passed on to their first child.

Under Britain’s unique hereditary laws the first born daughters of the nobility do not enjoy the same right as their first born sons to inherit their titles, which in some cases…

Umm, unique?

So there, English

To all the politicians dutifully wishing the nation a happy St George’s Day — you’ve got the date wrong.

The Church of England has confirmed that the feast has been pushed back to next Monday because of a clash with Easter week.

April 23 is the usual date each year for the feast of St George, the patron saint of England, but church rules state that no feast days should be marked during Easter week. If a saint’s day falls during Easter week, it is “translated” to the following week.

Matthew Salisbury, the Church of England’s national liturgy and worship adviser, said: “St George’s Day is translated to April 29 as nothing other than a principal feast would take place during Easter week.”

Common Worship, the church’s volumes of guidance for services, notes: “When St George’s Day or St Mark’s Day falls between Palm Sunday and the second Sunday of Easter inclusive it is transferred to the Monday after the second Sunday of Easter.”

OK, if you say so

A Researcher and an Author of the book the “Revelation, Movement of Akan People from Canaan to Ghana”, Martin Kwasi Abrokwah also known as Akanba has revealed that Jesus Christ was a full blooded Ghanaian.

According to him, his years of study shows that the Messiah was actually an Akyem by tribe, from the East Akyem District of Eastern Region of Ghana.

“Jesus Christ was originally an Akan, to be specific an Akyem. He was from Asiakwa, Asiakwa is Bethlehem, Kyebi (Kibi) is Beersheba, Kumasi is the same as Samaria. If we say Jesus is from the tribe of Judah, that tribe is the Akyem in Ghana. The name Akyem is the short form of Jojakyem, the descendants of Jojakyem took the name Akyem as we know it in Ghana. Jojakyem was one time the king of Judah. From my etymological and anthropological research, Jesus Christ was a pure Akyem.” the Anthropologist told sit-in host Akwasi Nsiah on Anopa Kasapa on Kasapa FM.

Doesn’t really matter though as we know damn well that JC’s Pops was an Englishman.

Orange Man Bad!

The proposal that the British state should extend to this unworthy man its highest honours, including an address to parliament, and a banquet and carriage ride down the Mall with the Queen, is misjudged. It will do nothing to revive the “special relationship”, already torn apart by Trump’s reactionary policies on climate change, migration, race, multilateralism, Yemen, nuclear arms, civil liberties and other issues. What it will do is give an undeserved boost to a wounded charlatan.

If Americans are content to allow a habitual liar who has presided over systemic illegality, numerous ill-concealed attempts to obstruct justice and a foul-mouthed culture of venality and vendettas to continue to lead their country, that is a matter for them. But the British people cannot be expected to collude or condone such misbehaviour. And what’s to be gained? A fantasy post-Brexit trade deal? Trump’s word, evidently, cannot be trusted.

Considering who we have had over for state visits none of that would seem to be a disqualification. Mugabe? Banda, Kaunda? Suharto? Ceausescu for the Lord’s Sake. Mobutu? Willie Tubman.

Trump’s worse than this collection of thieves, bandits, murderers and fools?

Ah, I see. A state visit isn’t in fact this highest honour. It’s an entirely political move so that foreign gimps might like us a little more. You know, the the benefit of us peeps that we sate their egos and they look kindly upon us.

So, the worse we think Trump’s egomania is the more we should be offering the visit in order to buy us some goodwill at a very cheap indeed price.

But, you know, Orange Man Bad!

They’re from Stroud? That explains a lot

Stroud, the gentle Cotswold town that spawned a radical protest

The founders of Extinction Rebellion dismiss claims that it is merely a product of the Gloucestershire town’s middle-class liberal elite

Blimey, that does explain a lot.

Bramwell, who was arrested after gluing himself to revolving doors at the oil giant Shell’s headquarters last week, said the idea for Extinction Rebellion emerged at a weekend gathering of about 17 activists at Bradbrook’s council house on the outskirts of Stroud almost exactly a year ago. “It was in Gail’s living room last April that we decided to go for broke. We decided to throw all of our energy and intelligence at something that could change the planet,” he said over the phone from London, where he is helping to organise further protests for the coming week. Bramwell dismissed suggestions by some newspapers that Extinction Rebellion is a middle-class movement of privileged hippies: “I’m working-class. I have been a builder most of my life and every other job in between. My mum was a nurse, I grew up in a single-parent family. Gail grew up in the north and her father was a miner. She is as working-class as they come – she is just bloody bright.”

Stroud’s an oddity. All the intellectual sophistication of Slad and the economic modernity of Minchinhampton. Allied with the towering civilisation of Gloucester and this isn’t a winning combination.

What do we think then?

From the comments. An idea:

Let’s offer the timber from HMS Victory to the French to rebuild Notre Dame. And start a petition on petitions.gov to ask for this.

We need the petition properly written – Steve, you want to handle that?

Centuries of aggression against the French, what better sign of peace with our EU partners than to break up the militaristic remnant to the glory of their culture etc cont. pg 94?

You, Steve, would do that better than anyone else around here.

We also then need the email addy’s of 5 people to make the petition go live.

We’ll need an 80 character heading for it. Then a wider explanation in 300 characters. And a 500 character background.

Eh? Not quite G Elfwick but could be fun.

Rilly?

Royal superfans criticise Harry and Meghan’s ‘disappointing’ decision to keep birth private as they vow to arrive in Windsor anyway

The people they talk to say, well, their baby, their way to do it and good luck to them.

Well, yes, but, but…..

England’s steepest street has been named by the Ordnance Survey for the first time as as a hill in Bristol, where residents tie their cars to lampposts to stop them from rolling away.

Bristol’s residential Vale Street has the steepest gradient in England with a slope of 22-degrees.

OK.

While the hill may be tricky it does have its upsides. Katherine Haddow, who lives on the street, added that the slope gives home-owners the advantage of a “completely un-obscured” view across the city.

Well, it gives a great view over Brislington which might not be all that much of an advantage. Still, they can see the Bath Road from there. You know, the route out of Bristol and off into civilisation.

We sure this is right?

‘Ey up duck’ is not a phrase often associated with inhabitants of Jordan, Syria or parts of Africa.

Yet for asylum seekers living in Bradford, not only has learning how to ‘speak Yorkshire’ has become an integral part of English lessons – it may also be the solution to bridging the north-south divide.

Forster College, which is part of Bradford College, is running 12-week courses in Yorkshire dialect for mature students “to improve their spoken English”.

‘Ey up’, ‘ta love’, ‘I’m off t’shops’, and ‘flippin’ ‘eck’, are just some of the words and phrases which are taught to help them understand everyday conversations and to feel like they fit in with the local community.

Dunno. Might not نريد بعض المحبوبين فتاة صغيرة؟ aid a little more. Or maybe کچھ پیاری پیاری لڑکی چاہتے ہیں؟?

Headmaster notices Mick Jagger of a popular music combo

Public schoolboys speak “mockney” to hide their privileged education, a former headmaster has claimed.

Barnaby Lenon, ex-headmaster of Harrow School, said its pupils, as well as Etonians, kept the habit years after leaving school.

“There has long been a tendency for schoolchildren at private schools to adopt their own language, and certainly with an emphasis on mockney,” he told The Sunday Times.

“It continues into adult life. George Osborne and Tony Blair are both prone to lapse into Estuary English so they resemble the Kray brothers rather more than the private school background they come from.”

Mr Lenon said the ex-chancellor and the former prime minister did not “appear to be upper-class, because being upper-class these days is not a good thing”.

Erm, yes?

Middle class people do middle class things

Terrible, innit?

He said a large proportion of bursaries were handed out to the “squeezed middle” – children of doctors, lawyers and owners of small businesses – who can no longer afford to pay fees in full.

“The majority of means tested bursaries will be topping up the squeezed middle who can’t afford £40,000-a-year fees,” he told The Daily Telegraph.

“We are going back to the demographic profile that used to send their children to the local independent schools when I started in teaching – local solicitors, GPs, people who run family businesses, local farmers, people in the armed forces from the rank of, say, major upwards – the middle classes. They are being squeezed out of private education because of affordability.”

How appalling.

I don’t think so Miss

Why I’ve decided it’s OK to accept an MBE from the Queen
Ms Dynamite

T’ain’t Brenda who decides who gets the MBE. Nor near all gongs – it’s politics which does. The Victorian Order is hers, so also, umm, Companion of Honour? Or is it Order of Merit? There’s a committee at Number 10 which decides on the rest.

And you’re going to be very lucky indeed if it’s Brenda who pins the MBE on you. Might find it’s a more minor royal, possibly even as Deputy Lord Lieutenant.

And, umm, yes, we do expect the English to know these things.