A Nation of Alcoholics

Most people in Britain do not believe they could lead their lives enjoyably or successfully without alcohol – but don\’t consider this to be a problem either, according to new research.

The fear of a life without alcohol is so endemic that most adults say they are scared by the idea of socialising, relaxing, taking part in any celebration or trying to have a good night\’s sleep without drinking.

Well, quite, when you\’re living in a Statist, bureaucratic dystopia a method of escape is indeed necessary. The solution, if this is something that you actually care about, might be to disassemble the Statist, bureaucratic dystopia, don\’t you think?

However, things are not in fact as bad as they are being painted.

It is already recognised that one in 13 adults in Britain is alcoholic.

That really does depend upon how you\’re defining alcoholic. If we take the folk meaning, one who pours the vodka over their cornflakes, then obviously not. If we take a more liberal definition, say, someone who in the end is going to kill themselves with drink, also probably not. The way we get to that number is those who drink more than the prodnoses think is good for them.

If the definition of a problem drinker is taken as someone who drinks to alter their mood on a regular basis, however, Linwood\’s research suggests that most people can be classified as problem drinkers.

"Most people" are problem drinkers? Hmm, I see, this is clearly a case for a massive and immediate expansion of the social work and dependency industry. Staffed, of course, by Guardian readers.

Hmm, put like that, it does make sense, doesn\’t it?

Hurrah! Trebles all round.

6 comments on “A Nation of Alcoholics

  1. “If the definition of a problem drinker is taken as someone who drinks to alter their mood on a regular basis, however, Linwood’s research suggests that most people can be classified as problem drinkers.”

    I sit on a comfy chair in the sun on a regular basis. I find it alters my mood very nicely.

    Clearly I am a Problem Sitter and I need an Intervention and a social worker.

    I won’t even mention talking to my Squeeze.

  2. “Clearly I am a Problem Sitter and I need an Intervention and a social worker.”

    Well, you do expose yourself unnecessarily to the risk of skin cancer. Sounds to me like you can’t be trusted to look after yourself properly, and are a notable candidate for care.

  3. Kay Tie – “Well, you do expose yourself unnecessarily to the risk of skin cancer. Sounds to me like you can’t be trusted to look after yourself properly, and are a notable candidate for care.”

    The chances of me being exposed to enough sunlight to be at risk from skin cancer is funny. I have lived in Britain too long.

    But I definitely can’t be trusted to look after myself. As for being taken into Care, well, anyone know what Abi Titmuss is doing these days? Still fit into her nurses uniform you think? A bit, you know, strict, you reckon?

    Hmmm, form an orderly queue lads.

  4. I don’t understand why the wage-slaves of London don’t stage an uprising and garotte everyone reading the Nurdgaia on the tube. Wimps.

  5. All these spurious health and environmental alarms are beginning to remind me of being in Italy, where you get mobbed by hordes of children that keep you distracted while your pocket is being picked.

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