If you are found to be in possession of a garden gate that doesn\’t open easily, you will be heavily fined.
If your letterbox is not immediately apparent to anyone approaching the house you will be evicted and your house handed over to a family who will undertake to fit a visible letterbox.
If your letterbox is at ankle level, or is in any way difficult to open or is fitted with those brushes (for some reason called a Joan Collins by some posties) that make putting a leaflet through virtually impossible so that it ends up looking like a screwed up piece of paper… you will be violently flogged in public.
If you possess a dog which barks violently the moment anyone touches a front door you will lose your home, be flogged in public, and serve a six-month prison sentence.
If you possess a dog which waits silently behind your front door until a finger appears in view through the letterbox, you will have your house possessed, you will be violently flogged on live television, you will serve a long prison sentence, and then you will be executed by firing squad.
Well, that\’s the posties\’ and the political wonks\’ vote all sewn up. Most of the hangers and floggers as well no doubt.