Labour\’s Midlands electoral promises

New laws acomin\’:

If you are found to be in possession of a garden gate that doesn\’t open easily, you will be heavily fined.

If your letterbox is not immediately apparent to anyone approaching the house you will be evicted and your house handed over to a family who will undertake to fit a visible letterbox.

If your letterbox is at ankle level, or is in any way difficult to open or is fitted with those brushes (for some reason called a Joan Collins by some posties) that make putting a leaflet through virtually impossible so that it ends up looking like a screwed up piece of paper… you will be violently flogged in public.

If you possess a dog which barks violently the moment anyone touches a front door you will lose your home, be flogged in public, and serve a six-month prison sentence.

If you possess a dog which waits silently behind your front door until a finger appears in view through the letterbox, you will have your house possessed, you will be violently flogged on live television, you will serve a long prison sentence, and then you will be executed by firing squad.

Well, that\’s the posties\’ and the political wonks\’ vote all sewn up. Most of the hangers and floggers as well no doubt.

5 thoughts on “Labour\’s Midlands electoral promises”

  1. From my experience I would add:

    1) If you are too lazy and antisocial to clear a path through the ice rink of trodden-in snow on your driveway you will be put in the stocks and have ripe tomatoes thrown at you.

    2) If you can’t be bothered having a house number visible you will be birched in public and will not complain about not receiving any post.

    3) If you are pretentious enough to have a house name instead of a number, you will be dressed in sackcloth and made to crawl on your hands and knees to the Post Office to collect your post – and be grateful they kept it.

    On the other hand, for the sake of balance – for gold digging prospective MPs everywhere:

    A) If you trespass on my property to spam me with your leaflet of lies, you will be forced to eat the leaflet – after my dog has finished with it.

    B) If you post leaflets through letterboxes you will be arrested and held without charge for a month or two (your Party started it) – which part of the notice ‘no leaflets’ in foot high capital letters on the front door do you people not understand?

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