Lloyds TSB Offshore: incompetent fuckwits

As part of the nationalisation of Bank of Scotland my offshore account has been transferred to Lloyds TSB.

They have managed to:

1) Insert a decade old telephone number onto the account.

2) \”Forget\” to set up the mortgage standing order/direct debit.

3) Employ someone who appears to be deaf in the call centre.

4) They can\’t even get the instructions on their own website correct.

When attempting to correct the telephone number they advise:

\”My contact details have changed, what do I do?
You’ll need to call us on 0845 300 2752 (from abroad +44 1733 347 636 ) – we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and will be happy to set up the instruction for you.\”

The first comment from the girl at the other end was \”no, you\’ve dialled the wrong number to do that sir\”.

Nationalisation really does turn everything to shit, doesn\’t it?



21 thoughts on “Lloyds TSB Offshore: incompetent fuckwits”

  1. “Nationalisation really does turn everything to shit, doesn’t it?” .. in this particular instance one might also suppose oligopoly to be the problem.

    My Barclays business account is rubbish. The online banking only gives the last 2 or 3 weeks and there is no way of dumping the last year into a spread sheet so it is not possible to do my accounts without manually copying the statements into a spreadsheet.

    Recently they have at least implement online statements, but guess fucking what, it is not possible to get the statements in format that is useful to a program, I still have to copy the statements out by hand. The statements are in pdf, which can be machine read, though its not ideal, but the way they have done it makes it impossible for the machine to distinguish between deposits and payments – you couldn’t fucking make it up.

    If you want online buisness banking DONT USE BARCLAYS.

  2. Llloyds’ ‘contact us’ information was just as useless, and just as apparently designed to put people off, before they were nationalised. And their on-line banking, which gives you two minutes to log-in,or you have to start again, seems to be a holdover from the days when you could only have one browser window open at a time.

  3. Offshore account? You’ll have Murphy moaning at you.

    Never mind that you don’t live in the UK any more; you were born here, so that gives him perpetual rights to demand money from you.

  4. Don’t get me started. I am currently overseas. I requested a new debit card from RBS at the beginning of March. After several weeks of inactivity, I requested it to be sent to a friend in the UK who would then forward it to me.

    The card was produced and then an internal security procedure determined that my request was likely to be fraudulent and the card was -and I quote – “destroyed”. So I requested another card in mid April.

    It was delivered on Saturday.

  5. Lloyds haven’t changed during the 15 years I’ve
    been with them.

    I’ve been travelling for the last 2 years, and they stopped my card in each new country. The best, was when the cards were stopped because someone thought the postcode CA (California) stood for Canada.

    Couldn’t let them know where I would be ahead of time, because ‘We can’t do that’. They wouldn’t send my card to me in Australia because, ‘We can’t do that’.

    Finally, after they’d sent a new CC to my home address – where my son was living during my absence – twice, and it had been nicked twice (Camden’s got problems that way) I asked them to hold the new one at my local branch to await my arrival. ‘We don’t do that any more’.

    My response was that if they didn’t, they’d be losing me as a customer within 24 hours after I set foot in the U.K.

    Surprising what they could suddenly do…;P

  6. All retail banks are run by incompetent fuckwits. I’m a retail banker; I know. Systems hand-overs from one place to another are especially accident prone and hard to get right, especially if call-centre help is also switched over and their system has to migrate data too. Both together, you’re doomed. Anyway, good luck and it has nothing to do with nationalisation, privatisation, or even EU membership.

  7. Nothing to do with nationalisation.

    Some years after the TSB merger, James walks into a freshly rebranded Lloyds TSB:

    James: Can I pay this cheque into my account please?
    Cashier: No.
    James: Why?
    Cashier: Because you have an old Lloyds account and we are an old TSB.

  8. Barclays offshore are utter donkey wank in every aspect. I changed to RBSi, and they have so far been a lot better (maybe that’s because I have a premier account, but I had one of them at Barclays too and they were still shit). I can get most things sorted out by emailing my account manager, who is pretty good, as is her assistant.

    However, most of my banking is done with Credit Suisse in Geneva these days, and comparing them with British banks is like comparing Russian roads with Japanese roads.

  9. Every bank’s IT department is staffed by incompetent fuckwits. This seems to one of those iron laws of the universe, like the speed of light or the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. All of them are utterly, diabolically shite. I build financially-oriented websites for a living, and I have never used my bank’s online services. Why? Because I trust their IT capabilities about as far as I could spit a rat.

  10. @Gillies “I build financially-oriented websites for a living” – me too, which ones? I did ING Direct in Spain (backend), currently working for LSE (stock exchange not college).

  11. I will be going against the grain here but I have a set of HSBC accounts and they’re pretty good….

  12. Aren’t all banks, Mobile phone service providers, Media providers crap to a certain extent? Aren’t these offshore companies private companies. The work is outsourced to private companies.

    AS mentioned it doesn’t matter if it’s private or public or charities the expectation of customers is far to high or the biased thinking of some people will always complain no matter what.

  13. A customer services number Barclays gave me a few years ago actually connected to the helpline for KY Warming lubricant.

  14. I would just like to say I work for lloyds international offshore. My job is to answer calls from fuckwit customers. I spend 30 minutes a time trying to talk customers through logging in and registering on the internet. I have targets that each call should last 3 minutes. I talk to customers who don’t understand security procedures and yet would kick off to death ifraudster accessed their accounts. And customers who say I don’t need to register for phonebank I won’t call. 2 weeks later they’re on the phone wanting you to make a transfer hmmm. Also if your account was migrated from bos you would of been sent a data form to fill in but I bet you ignored it didn’t you. And don’t take it out on thee agents who are there to take your calls and put up with customers bull shit and nastiness all day. So yeah a bank full of Fuck wit customers as well as Fuck wit employees.

  15. So why would anyone bank with Lloyds TSB? The answer is quite simple – DON’T!

    They are an incompetent bank who are very prepared to give you an umbrella on a sunny day – they just take it back when it rains!

    Come on – let your frustrations be heard and make your comments here.

    Also follow me on Twitter @ChrisJQ
    Also be a friend on Facebook at MyLloyds TsbBank

    Make your frustrations heard

  16. The un believable incompetence at Lloyds Offshore begs belief.
    I couriered an Instruction to wire Transfer funds to my account at another Bank. I had to ring everyday for 4 days long distance to find out the status. Then the interminable security checks asking impossible questions. What is your last postal address ? It was over 20 years int eh middle east where we had PO box nos. I gave the location but could not recall the actual no which was was in the 5000 ? I failed,then they asked when did you approve direct debit to your Stockbrokers ? Again this was over 15 years ago and can anyone a month and date off-hand. I sent a fax clarifying all details but an ass there says we don’t except faxes ! After 7 days the wire transfer is not done. What an incompetent Bank. If I send a fax to my Singapore Bank for aTT, I get a call back and within hours it is done !! With LLoyds i

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