Calling Steve-O

This is the lead in to a rewrite of this.

One of the pre-election cycle’s less anticipated controversies has taken a fresh turn with Ed Miliband’s confirmation that he does indeed have two kitchens in his north London house – but he says he only uses the smaller one.

……

FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
I was happier then and I had nothin’. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, ‘alf the floor was missing, and we were all ‘uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

We could have the rewriting of the will. The wife’s barrister’s salary. Margaret, Lady Hodge, could make an appearance what with the trust fund for Stemcor shares, the way she doesn’t (I assume she doesn’t) use her potential non-dom status (nor her title), the responsibility she took for the Islington kiddie fiddlers. Her pension from the accountancy firm she slams regularly.

Murphy, of course, peddling personal service companies as he denounces them as tax abuse and runs one himself.

But I think it needs the hand of Steve here, not that of myself.

20 thoughts on “Calling Steve-O”

  1. Tim, there comes a time in every gentlechap’s life when he must face up to his limitations.

    Like King Harold at Hastings, Napoleon at Waterloo, or Ed Miliband faced with a bacon sandwich, eventually a man finds that his reach exceeds his grasp.

    A clumsy amateur sniggerhound like me rewriting the Four Yorkshiremen sketch – one of the most sumptuous comedic confections crafted by England’s greatest jokesmiths – would be like that Spanish lady who decided to restore a fresco painting of Jesus.

    MARGARET, LADY HODGE (Lab, Barking at cars):
    But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

    EDWARD “CAIN” MILIBAND (Lab, Gurning):
    Because we were poor! My old Dad used to say to me, ‘gaiety is the most oustanding feature of the Soviet Union'”

    RITCHIE MURPHY, (Generalissimo and Grand Wizard, Tax Lynching Network):
    “Aye, ‘e was right.”

    LADY HODGE:
    “Aye, ‘e was.”

    EDWARD MILIBAND:
    “I was happier then and I had nothin’. We used to live in this tiny old £1.3m house and it only had one kitchen!”

    RITCHIE MURPHY:
    “£1.3m house! You were lucky to live in a £1.3m house! I used to have to work for a living! 7.5 hours a day of backbreaking toil lifting paperwork in an accountancy firm, and with what little money the wife made from being a GP, we could barely afford a townhouse in Wandsworth! Had to set the nanny up as a private company an’ all! Not that Ludmilla could read English, of course. We told her it was an immigration form.”

    LADY HODGE:
    “Work? Luxury! Try living off your inherited pittance of a few million quid shareholding in Stemcor! Not that there’s much left to top up the trust fund what with them paying 0.01% to the bleedin’ tax man!”

    EDWARD MILIBAND:
    “Me old Dad used to say that ‘tax is the price we pay for civilisation’…”

    LADY HODGE, RITCHIE MURPHY:
    “FUCK OFF, BEAKER!”

  2. “Yes, I do indeed retain a French pastry chef on the permanent staff. But he only makes the odd biscuit to go with my weekly snifter of sherry”

  3. Of course, a man is free to enjoy as many kitchens as he wants, but when the bedrock of your political philosophy is envy and hatred of any sort of wealth, I think it is fair to point out you are a hypocritical c**t.

  4. “Like King Harold at Hastings”

    King Harold’s failure was to engage so quickly, he should have waited for his experienced men trudging down from Stamford Bridge to catch him up, and by using asymmetric warfare turned the tables on William and worn down Williams killers who were then laying waste all along the south coast.
    At or near to Hastings, when he did bring the Norman invaders to ‘Battle’, even then he should have won the contest.
    True, it was careless to take an arrow, he was too well marked though and that’s probably when the ranks of the irregular Saxons broke – otherwise it would have been a great victory.
    Sadly, it precipitated the start of us and them socially, figuratively and actually – it was a disaster for the formative English identity.

  5. Seriously, are there people on here who DON’T live as the Millibands do?

    I dimly remember seeing our main kitchen before we moved in, and I could still find it in an emergency. And an emergency is what it would take: it’s not done to blunder around where the staff don’t expect you.

    A second kitchen is thus a requirement. First, I don’t think it good for my lady wife to be entirely divorced from domestic duties – we don’t want another Hodge on our hands – and second, an Englishman needs to make his own tea from time to time.

    Tony Benn, a proper Marxist Grandee, wouldn’t have known a kitchen from a horse-drawn plough. A sound chap under all that inappropriate enthusiasm.

  6. Steve-O, spot on. As we say in Marylebone: if one cannot stand the heat, one moves to the second kitchen.

  7. Steve – quite brilliant, and well done! I can almost forgive you your deplorable voting intentions.

    PS Whatever Ecksy, our resident care-in-the-community case, may say, I don’t begrudge you your £100k+ pa salary, and I think you should be able to keep more of it…when the deficit is cleared.

  8. Is it unduly cynical of me to see that the Miliband Mansion was bought from the National Trust, and to wonder whether that was a perfectly normal sale, or whether favours were done?

    I mean, the man’s a Champagne Socialist, is he not? Abuse of position was not unknown in his family.

  9. When I saw the title I thought for a brief moment that you were referring to Steve-O from Jackass. Frankly, his style of reckless and destructive comedy stunts might be a better metaphor for the state of the modern Labour Party.

  10. but he says he only uses the smaller one.

    Of course he only uses the smaller one – the *staff* are working in the larger one.

  11. So Much for Subtlety

    but he says he only uses the smaller one

    Why the f**k would he think this was a good idea? The man is cloth-eared as well as ham-fisted. So to speak. He is the least talented politician of his generation. Which makes you wonder what the rest of the party is like.

    Look, he is a champagne socialist. Nothing he can do about that. The only sensible line is to say he has two kitchens and he not only looks forward to the day when every British worker can afford the same, but he will work tirelessly to make it happen.

    The working class like being led by toffs. But no one likes gutlessness.

  12. Bloke in Costa Rica

    Pretty much everyone who gets into politics is weird, because wanting to be a politician is a weird thing to do. Most of them manage to present themselves to the public as reasonable facsimiles of human beings. But Miliband fails the Voight-Kmpff test. If he were a character in a movie, at some point he’d go “skreeeeee!” and fly across the room to perch on top of the door or you’d see a nictitating membrane slide across his eyes when he blinked.

  13. JuliaM – M’lady… 😉

    Edward – it was a disaster for the formative English identity.

    I agree. Dunno why they taught it in school in an almost lighthearted tone. It was a worse tragedy for the English than WW1 and WW2 combined.

    JeremyT – if one cannot stand the heat, one moves to the second kitchen

    🙂

    John – In my father’s house there are many kitchens.

    Speaking of faux-Christian cockwafflery, Milivanilli almost makes you nostalgic for the Vicar of Albion. Almost.

    Theophrastus – thank you 🙂

    Richard – thank you! Can’t they both be Beaker? Danny Alexander is Britain’s most powerful ginger, so at least he has that going for him.

    AndrewZ – The Wee Man from Jackass would make a better leader than Miliband.

    Bloke in Costa Rica – If he were a character in a movie, at some point he’d go “skreeeeee!” and fly across the room to perch on top of the door

    😀

    Maybe David Icke was right.

  14. “PS Whatever Ecksy, our resident care-in-the-community case, may say, I don’t begrudge you your £100k+ pa salary, and I think you should be able to keep more of it…when the deficit is cleared.”

    Theo, Theo, Theo—you have nearly as many faces as your giant-foreheaded hero. Entitled whinger to best buddy in two threads–there is hope for all. About as much as the BlueBoy has a chance of clearing the deficit.

    PS:Don’t bother about your investments Theo–just make sure you have lots of tinned food in the house. Whoever “wins”.

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