Telegraph Watch

Oh dear:

Fancy having the power to throw the political world into turmoil? Follow our guide to becoming a Lord and you may end up receiving that lofty power – and maybe a moat.
Perks of the job
300 quid a day just for turning up to work. Most of us feel we deserve that on a Monday morning, anyway…
You can make your friends kiss your hand and curtsey to you, as you now have a title.
You get to wear a really fancy cape.
You can really annoy the people elected to government. Especially George Osborne.
Your mail will be addressed to Lord or Baroness.
Lords get fishing, hunting and mining rights denied to everyday citizens.

The sort of Lordship that gets you into the House of Lords doesn’t have any special fishing, hunting or mining rights. Certain Lordships of the Manor have some such rights attached. But a Lordship of a Manor doesn’t get you into the House of Lords.

There was a time when this sort of distinction was bred into the very bones of the Telegraph.

Ehu fugaces, tempus fugit etc.

My suggestion is that we purchase for the Great Redacto two very large and very sharp machetes, perhaps with a Viking battleaxe for backup when they blunt, conduct an intervention where we read the past few months of such soleicisms to him while providing run and coke liberally laced with Angel Dust and then set him loose in the Telegraph newsroom.

Might not actually help that much but would certainly be cathartic.

We would, of course arrange that he be able to sub his own newspaper’s report on the incident from his psychiatric ward cell.

3 thoughts on “Telegraph Watch”

  1. I abandoned the Telegraph for the Times following the depredations of the Barclay Brothers.
    I fantasise sometimes about a small nuclear device, Bond style, detonating prematurely on its launch pad on a small Channel Island, taking out the two evil geniuses who were preparing to launch it at Fleet Street.

  2. Someone who, twice in one day, types ‘run’ when he means ‘rum’, and doesn’t notice, is hardly in a position to critique the morons at the Telegraph.

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