Well, how to put this, you’re wrong sweetie

By playing, I do mean playing: I have been happily married for a year and a half, and am not looking for dates, just subjects to chat with. My editor asked me to write a piece on what seems to be a perennial question: why isn’t there Grindr (a dating app for gay men with a reputation for facilitating quick hook-ups) for straight people? In other words, why, after decades of feminism and sexual revolution, at a time when new HIV infection rates aren’t rising in the United States and contraception and abortion are legally available – at least for now – are there not more venues for straight people to have no-strings-attached sex? Why don’t more straight couples want it?

I’ve heard the question many times before and I’ve disliked every answer. Most of them seem to boil down to stereotypes. They go something like: gay men are promiscuous. Straight women are frigid. Heterosexuality always has been, and always will be, a sad compromise between men who want to get as much sex for as little affection as women can wheedle out of them, etc. I think these stereotypes are both unkind and untrue. I wanted to see whether I could come up with something better.

From somewhere in The Guardian…..and here’s what really confuses me. This was written by an adult woman. Who is married. And yet has so little self knowledge about sex?

25 thoughts on “Well, how to put this, you’re wrong sweetie”

  1. Perhaps she isn’t as happily married as she assumed. Perhaps her spouse isn’t giving her what she REALLY needs.

  2. So Much For Subtlety

    Married for a year and a half? That’s long enough. I expect her husband could tell her a thing or two by now.

    I expect she knows it too. She just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Otherwise she wouldn’t be doing this.

  3. The reason that more women aren’t out there looking for NSA sex is twofold. First, it’s riskier for women – both physically and socially (something we see demonstrated in the comments here constantly, where women are judged negatively for having sex). Second, most men are bloody awful at sex so the chances of her having *good* NSA sex are pretty slim.

    Maybe if sex education lived up to the name women would be happier fucking around.

  4. So Much For Subtlety

    Matthew L – “First, it’s riskier for women – both physically and socially (something we see demonstrated in the comments here constantly, where women are judged negatively for having sex).”

    Women are strong enough to fight the Taliban, they are strong enough to protect themselves from some rather obliging young man they meet on the internet, or not.

    Women are judged negatively for having sex because they are worth less. That is not a social construction. It is a natural law that is not going to change any time soon.

    “Second, most men are bloody awful at sex so the chances of her having *good* NSA sex are pretty slim.”

    Because, of course, good sex is not what women are looking, by and large, for so it is not really worth all that much time and effort in improving. Besides, the ending is good for women depending on the point they start from. That has little to do with sexual technique.

    “Maybe if sex education lived up to the name women would be happier fucking around.”

    You say that as if it was a worthy social goal we ought to be pursuing.

  5. So Much For Subtlety

    “Sometimes you go out with a cis guy,” one African American woman in her late 30s guffawed, “and you think, ‘This is great. This guy is holding his head up high, walking with me, walking his truth.’ Then you find out he lived his truth with the last hundred trans women! You have a hundred mutual friends and every single one is a member of the community. You find out he’s been with all of them”

    So ….. Transsexuals do not like men who like them?

    OK. That’s not f**ked up at all. I mean I can see the logic. But it is a good thing that heterosexual women don’t like sex because if they made a fetish of liking penises where would we all be?

  6. I thought there was such an app for straight people. I just assumed there would be – being married myself I’ve never gone looking for it.

    That’s got to be a big gap in the market though, someone build one quick – you can get lots of free publicity from the Guardian, from the sounds of it!

  7. Julia nailed it! I mean, um, well, you know what I mean.

    I do wonder what sex would be like with these people, after an evening earnestly discussing intersectionality in the cis-patriarchy.

  8. Women are strong enough to fight the Taliban, they are strong enough to protect themselves from some rather obliging young man they meet on the internet, or not.

    *Some* women are strong enough to fight the Taliban. Not very many. The average man is stronger than the average woman. It’s not just the risk of getting beaten up either, it’s the risk of pregnancy, vaginal or anal tearing if he’s not careful enough, that sort of thing.

    Women are judged negatively for having sex because they are worth less. That is not a social construction. It is a natural law that is not going to change any time soon.

    Of all the moronic things you’ve said, this has to be one of the stupidest.

    Because, of course, good sex is not what women are looking, by and large, for

    How would you know?

  9. Hook-up sex is rarely good sex. Simply because to get good sex you need to know each other. People who go for one-night stands crave variety, not quality.

    Even the gays seem to prefer marriage these days. More of my gay friends seem to be monogamously married than living the old school promiscuous life.

    And there are venues for straight people to fuck strangers. They all sound awful, although my opinion may be coloured by watching a documentary about some club in Sheffield or somewhere similar, full of people you wouldn’t fuck at gunpoint.

  10. So Much For Subtlety

    Matthew L – “*Some* women are strong enough to fight the Taliban.”

    How do you know? The armies of the world don’t seem to have found any.

    “It’s not just the risk of getting beaten up either, it’s the risk of pregnancy, vaginal or anal tearing if he’s not careful enough, that sort of thing.”

    Pregnancy is not a risk given that is why the Left pushes abortion at every opportunity. As for the rest, you may as well say men face the risk of being bitten during oral sex.

    “Of all the moronic things you’ve said, this has to be one of the stupidest.”

    Oh come on. Even if it wasn’t true, I have said much stupider things. As it is true, it remains true. You can join the Social Justice death cult and deny reality all you like. It doesn’t go away. The laws of nature and/or God are not to be mocked and don’t care if you acknowledge them or not.

    “How would you know?”

    Well I have been known to talk to women every now and then. Mostly after, you know. Can’t really avoid that.

  11. The Inimitable Steve

    MC – More of my gay friends seem to be monogamously married than living the old school promiscuous life.

    I hear Elton John is still a rocketman.

  12. The Inimitable Steve

    Custard – I do wonder what sex would be like with these people

    Imagine Polly Toynbee frowning at your naked body, forever.

    Or, if you prefer, George Monbiot watching you behind his dandruff-flecked glasses, his breath stinking of badger.

  13. The reason there is no Grindr for heterosexuals: women can get sex any time they want just in any bar, workplace (or any place at all really), just by making it obvious they want sex. Men will respond. That only leaves heterosexual men who would be interested in it, i.e. it would be pointless.

  14. @SMFS

    “Women are judged negatively for having sex because they are worth less. That is not a social construction. It is a natural law that is not going to change any time soon.”

    I thought you read CH? If you did you’d know that eggs are more valuable than sperm.
    A large part of the reason women are looked down on for being promiscuous is because it increases the risk of infidelity after marriage.
    Also, being a slut is easy for a woman, therefore not much of an achievement.

  15. The Meissen Bison

    T.I.Steve: re. George Monbiot’s breath – I simultaneously crave to know how it got that way and definitely want to preserve my innocence.

  16. The Inimitable Steve

    TMB – he boasted about scraping dead badgers and squirrels off the road, then butchering them in front of his kids before cooking and eating them.

    I hear his wife has “HELP” and “ME” written in felt tip on her eyelids.

  17. are there not more venues for straight people to have no-strings-attached sex?

    Eh? Tinder, Badoo, Adult Friend Finder…even OK Cupid has a “casual sex” option.

    Why don’t more straight couples want it?

    Probably because they had no-strings-attached sex in their early to mid 20s and found it was pretty shit, and discovered sex is better with somebody you know, trust, like, and respect. And that people who want no-strings-attached sex normally have to forgo a normal relationship, which is great in your 20s when you’re young and hot but pretty boring in your 30s and beyond when you’re trawling through internet dating sites for somebody who isn’t a complete loser.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *