Gentlemen, choose your weapons

Moves to cull MPs from 650 to 600 under way

On consideration I think I’d go with a mace, possibly a morning star. Get even a glancing blow to a foot and that would slow them down enough that one could work one’s way along the limbs, blow by blow, at leisure.

More fun that way don’t you think? Never giving the head blow as a coup de grace of course.

And it should be hand weapons I think. That way we’ll cull the herd properly, the ill and the sick, the old.

32 thoughts on “Gentlemen, choose your weapons”

  1. I think we should cull them humanely, with expenses forms laid over holes full of punji sticks and a sign saying “Free drugs and Polish rent boys” that points towards a cliff.

  2. try culling some of us old and you could get a screwdriver in your eye. just for fun.
    None of this fancy Asiatic stuff.

  3. Lower body’s a surprisingly hard target (lots of small bits moving fast) plus it’s discouraged by most manuals of arms – not because it isn’t worth hacking at their legs, but you have to extend further and down to reach that area so expose yourself more to counterattack (not a great risk from most MPs, I admit)

    It’s hard enough to strike a good blow at a fleeing target, but bending forward with a (relatively short) mace to go for the legs while you’re both running puts your balance right off and if you fall, they’ll open distance on you.

    I’d be inclined to go for the traditionalist approach: chase them down from horseback with lances. (Not the “Knight’s Tale” jousting jobs, but the proper kit we were using as late as 1916, like when the 20th Deccan Horse got in among the Germans defending High Wood; one of the last cases of cavalry being able to charge infantry, having seized the opportunity while doing their more usual-for-the-time role of mobile reserve troops)

    Once they’re down and sufficiently disabled it’s not combat but entertainment, and there’s a whole industry of (largely fraudulent) techniques and hardware for inventive recreational mutilation that others can entertain themselves with as necessary…

  4. Westminster Thunderdome. 650 go in, 600 come out. Worth it just to see Jeremy Corbyn taking a Stop the War stance as Dan Jarvis slots him.

  5. Pro-Celebrity Hanging and Flogging – 9pm Saturdays on Sky1, BBC1 and ITV

    Hanging for the A listers and Ministers.

    Flogging for the b’s and junior ministers/backbenchers
    (because hanging is too good for them)

    Voting by premium rate phone numbers, the profits to reduce taxes.

  6. Bastinado, followed by flaying of the arms and legs, more bastinado, the Pear of Anguish, then the stake.

    For Gordon Brown, scaphism.

  7. If we need a Judas goat we could use Mr Corbyn – simply lead him in one direction and everybody else will go in the diametrically opposite direction. Foolproof.

  8. Whatever process is decided on, God grant it is Halal.

    You’re proposing that we string up each MP upside down, and slit their throats while some old bearded bloke in a funny hat spouts mumbo jumbo?

  9. SE

    We want the fool to survive. Once his supporters purge the PLP, they will truly be finished as the party splits. I hope the boundary commission has been thorough in breaking up lots of existing Labour seats – which then requires reselection for all the MPs. Popcorn.

  10. “You’re proposing that we string up each MP upside down, and slit their throats while some old bearded bloke in a funny hat spouts mumbo jumbo?”

    Not really, only that if it is halal we will know the process is humane and kind, and we know this because MPs tell us it is.

  11. So Much For Subtlety

    So Cameron is not waiting for the cull. He is stepping down with immediate effect? Does this mean he has a Romanian “driver” too?

  12. Bloke no Longer in Austria

    I think that we should literally have a “greasy pole” – an electrified one would make life interesting.

    Oh and bye bye Cameron, you won’t be missed.

  13. I can’t really find it in my heart to hate Cameron. And after his having been PM, I can sympathise with his desire to spend more time with his speechwriters. But does he have the access-brokerage power of Tony Blair or a fortiori The Beast of Chappaqua*?

  14. Owen has had a go at this today…

    My comment…

    Owen – ” it took an average of 40,290 to win a Labour seat last year.”

    It didn’t.

    To win a seat you need the same number of votes as the second place candidate, + 1.

    In Conservative constituencies, the average number of second place votes was 12,368. In Labour constituencies it was 11,163.

    Owen and numbers, hey, ne’re the twain shall meet.

  15. For Pete’s sake – who wants pointy weapons? Put them in a cage fight a la “Fight Club”.
    Diane Abbot might survive if she managed to roll on top of her opponent.

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