And we have a Hannah Betts article!

Meanwhile, the bane of my existence is a pair of delivery men who appear to have constructed an elaborate fantasy in which I provide sexual favours to them both, their non-stop propositions providing a constant irritation. I have told them that I have a boyfriend, thus making myself feel even more of a twit. I have told them that I am 20 years older than them, thus making them respond: “Milf”. I have told them how traumatised I am by my father dying in a vain endeavour to make myself appear human. Yet still they continue relentless.

No, amazingly, she doesn’t mention that this is the plot line of a significant section of the porn movie genre.

She does mention giving up the booze though.

26 thoughts on “And we have a Hannah Betts article!”

  1. The Amazon delivery guy is a new variant. There’s some dialogue about not being able to fit a large package through the hole in her front door…

  2. Perhaps she should make them read some of her articles. This is, of course, assuming they exist. It’s far more likely that she was once the victim of some mild unwanted flirting and has turned it into a boastful psychodrama and a way to earn a few quid.

    Far more feasible is an epidemic of young fit men being clumsily (and depending on the hour probably drunkenly) by crazed 40something spinsters. Bearing in mind that today’s yoot can find a 20 year old hottie to fuck via tinder on a moment’s notice, I can’t see them wasting time with the likes of her*.

    Still, if the Times will pay for this sort of old nonsense, why should she deny it?

    *I would, but then I am a middle-aged saddo too.

  3. This is the semi-alki woman right?

    Nothing startling from the photo–assuming its her–however not one but two men–both 20 years her junior are -she says–are trapped in the toils of lust and desire for her. Because she is a MILF.

    I can only access the first paragraph but I am correct Tim that it is some kind of whinge about on-line ordering stuff being a cause of lots of nasty lust-driven men crawling across the landscape like oversexed ants?

    Or perhaps they will just fix the cable and be on their way.

    Is their no limit to the vanity , stupidity and deceit of female “journalism”?

  4. Actually, Hermes delivery people live in the area where the deliveries happen and are just as likely to be housewives themselves.

    The drivers only deal with them, not the public.

  5. It is like she actually thinks people would be interested to hear the banal exaggerated life ‘experiences’ (?) of some ordinary person, oh god I am even bored writing this.

    If ever there was a need for evidence that private capital is a bad thing, it is this. The state planners would not allocate resources to this person too write this….

  6. So Much For Subtlety

    Photos or it didn’t happen.

    They might be deranged members of the goat f**king community who suffer from “sexual emergencies”. But to be honest Ms Betts makes your average Nubian look attractive.

  7. I’m sure Ben Dover would be prepared to accommodate her unfulfilled fantasy – he seems to be able to fvck anything. Likely a fee would be involved too – I imagine he’d want £500 or so in cash

  8. > No, amazingly, she doesn’t mention that this is the plot line of a significant section of the porn movie genre.

    Umm, yes she does.

    However, in the main, doorstep pleasantries are mistaken for a come-on, as if the world were forever one step away from devolving into a Seventies blue-collar porn scenario of bored housewives and rogering window cleaners.

  9. I have told them that I have a boyfriend, thus making myself feel even more of a twit. I have told them that I am 20 years older than them, thus making them respond: “Milf”. I have told them how traumatised I am by my father dying in a vain endeavour to make myself appear human.

    This will come across to a man as “I would, but I don’t want to appear like a slut and so will come up with some excuses first, but after a while you can do me over the sink.” If a woman is genuinely not interested they are usually pretty good at signalling that and, if necessary, telling you in no uncertain terms to fuck off. True, there are some men who are useless at reading signals but 2 guys in their twenties are persisting here with ne’er a whiff? C’mon.

    The story is made up.

  10. Let’s be honest, this sort of thing probably happens. It’s entirely rational behaviour on the part of the men. They’re doing two hundred deliveries a week. With a hit rate of just 1 in 40,000 they’ll still get a shag once a year. And once you’ve got a bite, chances are you’ll get to go back for more.

    A quick search of mumsnet.com reveals no similar experiences. Which is unusual, because the bored housewives of mumsnet normally have no hesitation in over-sharing the most insignificant things.

    My brothers tell me that the cause of all this is my provocative niceness.

    That used to be called “charm”. She needs to learn to switch it off when necessary.

  11. “bored housewives and rogering window cleaners”

    Sounds like a candidate for one of Tim’s grammar police posts.

  12. “this sort of thing probably happens. It’s entirely rational behaviour on the part of the men. They’re doing two hundred deliveries a week. With a hit rate of just 1 in 40,000 they’ll still get a shag once a year.”

    Most of the retailers supplying the goods being delivered are pretty keen on finding out what the buying experience was like. I’ve got three such e-mail requests sitting in my inbox, right now. So what do reckon’s the hit rate of women who don’t welcome persistent sexual advances on the comment fields of those surveys? And the effect on delivery bods’ continued employment?

  13. bis,
    Those are the good retailers. Plenty of others don’t care once they’ve got your cash.

    As for the dirty taxi drivers also cited in the article, there were (and probably still are) plenty of them in Rotherham. No amount of complaints did any good: neither to the taxi company, to the local licensing authority, or even to the police.

  14. Bloke in Costa Rica

    She looks like Nigel Planer in drag. You’d have to be a Syrian refugee in the throes of a “sex emergency” to even entertain the prospect of bonking that.

  15. “Oh Hannah, your incandescent beauty is matched only by your humility.

    Are these weekly fabrications more for us, or yourself?”

  16. Bloke no Longer in Austria

    Sub-Editor: Thousand words by Weds, plse Hannah.

    Hannah : Can’t think what to write – how about the adventures of an ex-alcoholic 40-something singleton ?

    S-E : (sighs) Tell you what, love spend a quarter hour on faketaxi.com, something’ll come up, eh ? what? fnarr fnarr…

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