Scotland’s three main banks last night demanded an urgent investigation after the company that produces polymer £5 notes for use north of the border admitted that they contained “minute traces” of animal fat.

Clydesdale Bank, Bank of Scotland and Royal Bank of Scotland had been told early this week that the £5 notes were vegan-friendly. However, De La Rue, which makes the notes, said that more detailed analysis had revealed animal derivative equivalent to a maximum of 0.003 per cent per banknote.

30 parts per million.

Roughly speaking and around and about your vegan kale stew at the hippy cafe is going to be 30 ppm skin flakes from the cook. More if they’re the regular hippy psoriasis from not washing enough.

24 thoughts on “Ahahahahaha”

  1. Maybe I read it here, or maybe somewhere else, but I did read about Indian vegetarians getting sick in the west because the rice in India has weevils and shit in it so they get a bit of protein from that in India but the cleaned rice in the UK has none.

    I could of course be talking absolute bollocks but I’m sure I read it somewhere.

  2. You could well have read it here because I’ve noted it. Not so much rice and weevils, more pulses etc with insect bits I thought but yes, vegetarians coming over do need to be more careful of their diets here than there because of that protein there from contamination and not here.

  3. Should all banknotes not have a printed warning

    May contain nuts

    given the likelihood of some infinitesimally small deposits in the air or on people’s fingers?

  4. “Steve, I’ll sneer at hippies as I like on my own blog, alright?”

    There’ll be a team of hippies looking for you Worstall. And given their skills and level of efficiency they have a chance of catching up with you before you die of extreme old age.

    There was once an example of the Mexican cook who was found to have leprosy. Soldier of Fortune magazine recorded that one many years ago. They weren’t really known however for their restaurant section–apart from advice about prevailing in bar fights/shoot-outs taking place in said restaurants. An entire area completely ignored by the Fearnly-Whittingstall’s and Coren’s and other effete snobs who fancy themselves food critics.

    And while today’s portmanteau is in flight –let us recall that rumours about food products used outside their sphere have caused the British great travail on at least one other occasion. Those of you who can recall 1857 may be able to enlarge further upon this.

    Thus the starting of rumours about how various absolutely essential objects in and for life in this nation might contain who-knows-what biochemical products might prove a fun new hobby.

  5. Of course you can write what you want on your own blog but, as the man said “you can have your own opinions but you can’t have your own facts”.

    I deducted two brownie points but you get one back for letting my comment stand.

  6. > Apparently, it’s OK for our Jewish friends… so long as they don’t eat them.

    Well, shit, there goes my evening.

    Have vegans stopped killing insects with windscreens yet?

  7. Of course if these vegans are also homoeopaths, telling them how little tallow there is will only make things worse 🙂

  8. Well if that’s the problem vegans really need to stop using cash. If your change has been anywhere near a sticky finger or bacon butty in the last week it’ll have rather more than 30 ppm on it, I’d guess.

    Worse with the old notes of course.

  9. As I’m publicly spirited, as a favour to our extreme vegan friends, I’ll take all their dodgy fivers off them and assume the spritual and karmic risk myself. I won’t even charge.

  10. The most fascinating aspect of this thread is Fecks Outing himself as a Reader of “Soldier of Fortune”.

    Ecks, are you one of those fuckers that did time in a Harare prison because your failed coup in Wonga-Wongaland got discovered before it happened?

    No wonder he doesn’t like the blecks.

  11. Incidentally, the weevil shit in Indian legume thing I have read here. Strangely enough, never read it anywhere else. Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

  12. SOF was acquired from the USA in my youth.

    It was full of very interesting articles about all manner of topics not to mention ads for all manner of self-improvement courses.

    I once sent for more info about something called the “Ancient Secret Chinese Yoga” course . It promised superhuman transcendence –not in so many words –but I was only 18 at the time. In those days you had to write a letter and wait for the postie to bring a brochure with full and better particulars. No Internet ad pages.

    So I wrote to this dude and asked about the specific content of his course. I said I’d seen it advertised in Soldier of Fortune magazine which was a mistake on my part. It had been “Black Belt” magazine (a Californian venerable stalwart which still exists although it is a shade of what it once was).

    Several WEEKS later I got back a multi-page letter in classic crankese–one of my first exposures to the language–telling me “Actually I ——— ———– have never advertised in this “Soldier of Fortune” magazine”. It went on for three pages. His lawyers ( J Noble Daggert) had been primed, someone was going to pay etc. Plagerism was the bane and ruination of civilisation. He wanted details of the ad. Full and betters indeed.

    As a naïve youth I nearly shat my kegs, fearing million-dollar lawsuits would soon be flying like ICBMs as this Ancient Chinese Yoga powerman sicc’d California’s finest lawdogs onto me. Followed by SOF for my having dropped them in it. Looking back on those distant days my kegs are still in some danger , this time of me pissing them with laughter at my younger self thinking the nutter was some kind of credible problem whereas he was just a narcissistic, puffed up windbag–much like you Biggie– on a spree.

    Even in my youthful travail I had enough gumption to go to ground. Which didn’t actually involve much apart ignoring the fucking idiot.

    I managed to avoid Ancient Chinese Yoga hit squads and still abide. Soldier of Fortune is out of print I believe.

    I have not reached superhuman transcendence.

    I have never lived in any country except my own and never had any wish to. When I die English earth will do to cover my bones better than any other.

    I hope all ethnics live long and prosper. In VERY modest numbers in my country and as many as they like–and can afford–in their own.

  13. Gunker, one of those classic headlines that come at a story from entirely the wrong angle. There are cafes that accept ass crack AUDs?
    Nice one.

  14. @ BraveFart: Aren’t fivers all supposed to have traces of cocaine on them? Or it that jut 50’s?

    Mr Ecks- thanks for you amusing recollections!

  15. Bloke in Costa Rica

    Where do vegans get B12 from? I’d seriously like to know how they get it without an animal precursor. It might be why they always look like they’re at death’s door.

  16. > Where do vegans get B12 from?

    Pills. In my experience (I went out with one for three years), vegans are not delusional about human diet: they know there’s stuff you can’t get from a vegan diet, so they get it from supplements. For most of them, the diet is a moral issue, not a silly pseudo-scientific “natural” thing.

    The other kind do exist, of course, but sensible vegans regard them as pillocks every bit as much as we do.

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