We’ve clearly and obviously solved all the real problems then

Footage has emerged of United fans singing the song about Lukaku, who signed from Everton in a £90 million deal in July, during the club’s 3-0 win at home to Basle in the Champions League last week. It is understood that United fans repeated the chant on Sunday at Old Trafford when their team beat Everton 4-0 in the Premier League.

The song, to the tune of the Stone Roses’ Made of Stone, makes reference to the size of the striker’s penis. Kick It Out said that the song should be banned because it reinforced the stereotype that black men are better endowed than others.

Within the lifetime of near every reader here black football players in the UK used to be greeted with chimp noises and the throwing of bananas. Today they’re singing a – congratulatory I assume – song about how one of them has a big dick. This might not be quite how the bien pensants think it should be but I find it very difficult indeed to think that this isn’t an advance to a point where the problem is solved.

23 thoughts on “We’ve clearly and obviously solved all the real problems then”

  1. Yes, this is a massive improvement since (JuliaM will correct me if I’m mistaken) chimps are poorly endowed in the todger department.

  2. I wasn’t aware any of the Stone Roses songs had a tune.

    Ian Brown isn’t exactly known for his vocal range*.

    * I recall a review of their disastrous Reading Festival appearance which noted that Brown “still sounds like a man shouting into a bucket”

  3. A) The previous fan behaviour was entirely reasonable
    B) Strictly speaking, the current fan anthems are scientifically unsound. White/Indio admixed beaners are the largest, by a cunt hair. South Asians the smallest, which might explain all the gang rapes.

  4. @JuliaM – many thanks. I knew I could count on you for this and shall march into the future with a more comprehensive and accurate understanding of priapic primates and their tackle.

  5. Knowing Me, Knowing Steve

    To the tune of “Three Lions”

    Lukaku’s pee-ee-nis
    Girls say “it’s a good size”
    Never had a bris
    Compact like Dennis Wise

  6. I thought that the throwing of bananas was quite funny, the first time. Endless repetition might be funny if you’re Monty Python (though it’s not guaranteed) but stupid people usually can’t carry it off. And football crowds are largely dimwits, aren’t they?
    Or, at least, were then.

    P.S. Have you noticed that when the TV directors want the cameras to pick out a pretty girl in the crowd they’re hard pressed to find one in English crowds. Contrast rugby crowds, or Spanish football crowds. What can it mean?

  7. John Square,

    I reckon you are a very feebly disguised John Squires myself, hence your knowledge of Stone Roses reviews and tunes, which would otherwise make you about a year older than me (their relevance outside a particular and very specific age group having always been minimal). After all, I might admit the possibility the Stone Roses did songs, but would not be able to produce any evidence (was there something about waterfalls, or was that the totally different TLC?), so to have enough knowledge to know about tunes (or lack thereof) is suggestive.

  8. Being fair to the Manchester United crowd (not something I am often), they no doubt have some good reason to assume this. Obvious possibilities:

    a) He’s a United player, so the fans got confused about people realising he was a huge dick for signing with that particular team – United fans aren’t that bright (they believe a team with a devil on their badge are the good guys…).

    b) Mr Lukaku has a habit of exposing himself to Manchester United fans, who have noticed something.

    c) There is something on the internet showing the organ that is the subject of the song, which has (perhaps fortunately) not come to my attention.

    d) They’re still a bunch of racist wankers (and no, it was never funny or allowable to compare someone to a chimpanzee because of skin colour, because that is just pathetic and sad tribalism).

    e) Mr Lukaku’s shorts are far too tight…

  9. I don’t know about you, but I’d be tickled pink if I had people singing about the size of my penis. In a positive way, I mean.

    When the subject actually has come up (so to speak) over the years, there’s been more muffled laughter than singing, that’s for sure…

  10. I sort of agree with Tim that it’s not the worst episode in human history. It is moronic though. I think the offence taken by some commentators here is because the permanently and professionally offended have jumped on the bandwagon. My club have a similar song about one of our black former players. Fortunately the singing of it is limited to a few under age drinkers and idiots. It is never sung in the ground and when it is sung in pubs beforehand I and most others there make our opinions known. The myth of Africans having larger penises is in no way meant as a compliment. Abusing an opposition player with such sub-Birth of a Nation crap would be bad enough, singing it about one of your own players takes stupidly to new levels.

  11. @watchman

    “I reckon you are a very feebly disguised John Squires myself,”
    It’s John Squire, not Squires.

    “…hence your knowledge of Stone Roses reviews and tunes, which would otherwise make you about a year older than me (their relevance outside a particular and very specific age group having always been minimal).”

    I’m slightly too young to have been a Roses fan- I recall Elephant Stone on TotP, and being underwhelmed even at 12 (?). Their main audience is middle aged male music critics, I think.

    ” After all, I might admit the possibility the Stone Roses did songs, but would not be able to produce any evidence (was there something about waterfalls, or was that the totally different TLC?)”
    Both TLC and the Stone Roses did a track called Waterfall(s). The Roses song was the nearest they did to an actual tune. The Bluetones covered the TLC track in a better manner than the original.

    “..so to have enough knowledge to know about tunes (or lack thereof) is suggestive”

    I’ve just got ears. And a tendency to be anally retentive about this dull stuff.

  12. John Square,

    I’ve managed to prove my non-Stone Roses fan credentials anyway…

    I’m off to look up the Bluetones version of Waterfall though, as I like the band and the song (I may have been playing at being a bit more clueless than necessary there), so that sounds an attractive proposition.

  13. You know you’re in trouble when you make love to a woman and at the point where post-coital bliss should be settling in she starts singing Peggy Lee:

    “Is that all there is?
    Is that all there is?
    If that’s all there is, my friends,
    Then let’s keep dancing.
    Let’s break out the booze and have a ball.
    If that’s all there is.”

    At least that’s what a friend told me.

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