Some Private Eye stories come true at least

Statement from Dow Jones

OCTOBER 10, 2017
October 10, 2017

Please disregard the headlines that ran on Dow Jones Newswires between 9:34 a.m. ET and 9:36 a.m. ET. Due to a technical error, the headlines were published. All of those headlines are being removed from the wires. We apologize for the error.

###

Steve Severinghaus
Senior Director, Communications
[email protected]

Jessica Mara
Publicist
[email protected]

Err, yes, ever so slightly embarrassing:

There you have it. Steve Jobs’ will + Dow Jones + Apple Park = Google’s buying Apple. I think we finally have algorithmic transparency.

This morning Dow Jones shot some fake news out over the wires announcing that Google was acquiring Apple for $9 billion. For a brief second, the news sent Apple’s stock up about $2 to $158 per share. To the benefit of everyone’s morning, both stock prices quickly returned to normal.

As I say, there are times when even Private Eye stories come true. New technology baffles pissed old hack….

18 thoughts on “Some Private Eye stories come true at least”

  1. $9bn? I’d buy it for $9bn. I’m sure I could get some backers.

    Apple has $200bn or more in cash, doesn’t it?

    Those algorithms are a pile of shite.

  2. Speaking of Private Eye:

    http://www.hertfordshiremercury.co.uk/herts-police-investigate-racist-incident-after-private-eye-joke-sent-anonymously-to-muslim-staffer/story-30526513-detail/story.html

    They went to court to get the Eye’s subscriber list. Unbelievable.

    Not just Statist wankers, but stupid ones too. YOU CAN BUY IT IN A SHOP. Private Eye reckons 40% of its sales are subscription, the rest retail. Even my local pub leaves a copy around for the regulars to read.

    Next time Herts police whines about budget cuts and how thin they are stretched, remember the resources they pissed away on this.

  3. That is nothing.

    May’s bitch Rudd now wants up to 15 years in jail for anyone LOOKING at “terrorist” or “far right” websites. Never mind downloading from them.

    Write to the 1922 Committee and urge them to put an end to May and the gang before the pack of stupid cunts put an end to the UK by winning any election for Corbog & McNasty.

    Breathe-Smogg for king right away.

  4. If we’re going to imprison people for looking at the websites of organisations which conspire to fuck up the country, where will it end?

    I know where it could start though: labour.co.uk and conservatives.com

  5. Bloke in North Dorset

    If only Hertfodrshire police had said:

    “A Hertfordshire Constabulary spokeswoman said: “Hertfordshire Constabulary treat all allegations of hate crime robbery seriously and will actively pursue enquiries that may help to identify those who commit these horrible crimes.”

    Or other crimes that they actively ignore when it happens to everyday tax payers.

  6. acquiring Apple for $9 billion. For a brief second, the news sent Apple’s stock up about $2 to $158 per share.

    Err, what? Apple being bought for way under its market value took its share price up?

  7. I wonder why Herts Cons thought that having a list of subscribers in Herts would help? Not just pace Rob @ 9.42 but also that email works across Police Force boundary lines?

    I’m assuming the ‘internal mail system’ is paper and envelope based.

  8. Err, what? Apple being bought for way under its market value took its share price up?

    They detected the word ‘Apple’ in a press release. It could have been on the apple harvest in Kazakhstan for all the difference it would have made.

  9. Rob; if they’re using the same internal mail envelopes as everyone else, then they will know the previous person the envelope was addressed to, and the team and people around them. Which has to should be a smaller number than the subscribers in Hertfordshire. At that point, It shouldn’t be too difficult to determine which one will unfortunately fall down the stairs.

  10. if they’re using the same internal mail envelopes as everyone else, then they will know the previous person the envelope was addressed to, and the team and people around them. Which has to should be a smaller number than the subscribers in Hertfordshire.

    You’re an intelligent individual applying logic; the newspaper article was about the Hertfordshire constabulary.

  11. Bloke in North Dorset

    The article doesn’t mention it, but I do hope Private Eye responded in traditional manner and referred Hertfordshire Police to Akle Vs Pressdram .

  12. Bloke in Costa Rica

    Nine billion is about a ninetieth of Apple’s current market cap. I know journalists are innumerate, but is it too much to expect City spivs to have a nodding acquaintance with arithmetic?

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