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Because I masturbate while prone, coitus is not pleasurable.

I think this bird’s problems are a little different from whether she lies down to play with herself or not, no?

The “because” there being the bit to question.

23 thoughts on “Eh?”

  1. Prone as opposed to supine, I think the point is, although some people think they just mean lying down.

  2. Has she actually tried coitus while prone, or has she automatically assumed that coitus requires her being supine?
    Find a partner who likes woman on top. Surely in these modern days where people write to “mainstream” newspapers for sex tips, she’s not had such a sheltered upbringing that man-on-top missionary is the only menu option.

  3. Ah, Pammy “rub my tits” Stephenson.

    Anyone else remember that Not the Nine O’clock News sketch?

  4. From the entirely and blindingly-obvious answer, it would indeed seem that no, she has not considered an appropriate position closely-approximating her favoured one…

  5. I’m bored with these sex columns, the advice is always sickeningly non-judgemental when many people could probably do with a verbal shoeing.

    Why not have guest writers, such as Tomás de Torquemada, or Matthew Hopkins?

    “I ſenſe thy twot is full of evil magick, a ſound beating adminiſtered in a churchyard by thine huſband will cure ye of witch-craft and other female derangementſ. Hope that helpeth x”

  6. Advice suitable for the Guardian woman:
    Adopt what position yer told to & shut the fuck up. Who told you were s’posed to enjoy it, anyway?
    Then get yer arse in the litchen & make me a sammidge.

  7. Maybe because when she’s prone, geezers take it as an invitation and try to give her one up the gary, unwanted.

  8. Steve, I’m thinking we need to hear a lot more from Matthew Hopkins, a man before his time.

  9. I knew this would be from the Graun.

    Someone cleverer than me could replace their Wrong about Everything, Always strapline with something to do with promoting importing the Third World to take their minds off First World Problems.

  10. And yes, there is no *physical* reason why she should fail to enjoy coitus** (as she so coitusly puts it) in the prone position.

    ** Who calls it ‘coitus’, anyway? She makes it sound like a field trip or a coffee morning.

  11. “Steve, pureft geniuf.”

    No, no, no. Steve didn’t use f. He used long s (ſ ) – not to be confused with esh. (See Wikipedia for details.) Knowledgeable chap, our Steve.

  12. Bloke in Germany at the National Theatre


    Ann Widdecombe briefly wrote a very much missed agony aunt column for the graun, called “Buck Up!”

  13. On Windows, use ‘Character Map’; on Android, press and hold the letter ‘s’ (on the standard keyboard)*. If you’re in Apple land, sorry, not a scooby either!

    Both these techniques give access to other exciting possibilities, such as Icelandic Þ.

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