Britain’s first stab-proof kitchen knife launced in bid to combat knife crime

Typo combination between launched and lanced?

48 thoughts on “Fun”

  1. Off topic: Tim what’s the story with Continental Telegraph at the moment? All I’ve had for days is an error message.

  2. Anyone with access to a kerbstone could convert one of these into a stabbing weapon.
    And why would anyone buy one when pointed knives are available?
    It’s what happens in prisons where all knives are banned.but there are plenty of stabbing weapons.
    I’ve a radical new idea. Instead of banning everything that could be used for violence, how about punishing the.humans who use things thus!

  3. Julia,

    There will be lobbying to make them mandatory. First, there will be id checks and registration of pointy knife sales. Then you will need a license to purchase. Then you will need a license to possess. Once all the licenses are issued they will be banned outright and you will have 4 months to surrender your tools or face prosecution.

    Not that you will need knives, to “eat your bowl of cold insects in your freezing eco-yurt as the mosque ululates the call to benefits and unaccountable nabobs zip by in their Zil lanes” (hat tip, Steve, I think)

  4. There are already knives available which would be almost impossible to stab people with; a nakiri would be a case in point (d’ohhhhhh!)

    The problem is that if you assume all knives will be used to stab people, you miss the point (arrgghh!) that the most effective part of any knife is actually the cutting edge, which can do terrible damage. Razor gangs of the 1920 and 30s used cuthroat razors which are as good at stabbing as a piece of wet spaghetti, and football hooligans in the Eighties, if I recall, used Stanley knives to inflict wounds needing hundreds of stitches.

    So what next? Only blunt knives may be used? Made of wood? And what happens when some woke bastard realises that motor cars kill far more people than knives? Oh, sorry, there’s Greta on the phone…………

  5. In trying to fix it we broke it. So, trying to repair.

    Rather surprised your techs don’t test on a devel server before breaking the live one.

  6. Is a round-ended knife–as in a table or butter knife–a stunning innovation now?

    Yes they can be sharpened to a point–but if you sharpen them to a razor-edge you could still stab someone with them round-ended or not.

    Fuckwits everywhere.

  7. Mr Ecks: airport security took a butter knife and some cake forks off me which I had not thought to put in my hold luggage; this between 9/11 and the London locals getting stabby so obviously one can’t be too careful.

  8. Ljh, I can top that. Airport security gnomes took from me a giant child’s water pistol, formed of white plastic with a huge bulbous water compartment protruding from the back and bright orange bits stuck on to it.

    Because, as you say, you really cannot be too careful.

  9. Given a screwdriver would make a very handy weapon to stab someone with, one wonders how any tradesmen and DIYers are going to get on when they’re banned too……..apart from which the knife is probably about the most simple weapon one can make, and prisoners in jail manage to make them despite being locked up, its a bit of a pointless (ha ha) exercise banning knife sales.

  10. I watched as a friend had super-glue taken off him.

    Much merriment ensued as we explained how he had intended to hijack the plane with the threat “take me to Cuba, or I’ll glue your face to the window” until they bottomed onto his plan. The gnomes were not amused.

  11. I can imagine black gangs being frustrated and thwarted by this, the look of incomprehension on their faces as they attempt to stab each other in pointless turf wars will be a triumph for this sensible and far sighted policy.

  12. A Meat cleaver is a blunt ended knife. Still does a metric fuck-ton of damage if you hit someone with it.

    The most basic weapon you can get is a rock. There are plenty laying around on the ground. Can be used as a great crushing weapon, or for more advanced users, a distance attack device – people at special forces level of skills could also use mechanical assistance devices to launch them further and with more accuracy, such as a slingshot.

    Obviously the only sensible course of action is to ban all rocks, half-bricks, bricks and chunks of concrete. Any found laying around should be turned into the proper authorities.

  13. @Excavator Man: good thing too.
    I got a nasty cut on my thumb from one of those things.
    Aren’t they made from spring steel? The same thing razor blades are made from! Ban them!

  14. I nearly always carry with me (in my pocket or on my belt) a Swiss Army penknife with a 2″ blade (not lockable, unlike a Leatherman), which is technically perfectly ligit for air travel, but to avoid time-wasting ‘discussions’ with the security theatre operatives, I put it into my stowed luggage (when I remember :)).

    But I also have to do the same on Eurostar trains (and Spanish AVEs), which have adopted airline style security checks. This is despite the fact that: (1) my luggage is with me in the carriage; (2) there’s no way to access the driving compartment; and (3) it’s difficult for the driver to select an alternative destination.

    You know it makes sense.

  15. Lud

    I thought that anything 3″ and under (I think?) is fully UK legit at any time? I know others who carry Swiss Army jobs all the time. And, like CM, that have taken them through airline security, often without remembering until afterwards.

    And, unless I’m mistaken, can’t you still buy these in duty free, once you are through security. I know you could in Geneva last time I went through (which was a while back I accept)?

  16. @PF is correct.

    But that does not account for the reasonably common Officer of the Law who also happens to be a bit of a tosser.

  17. Mr Ecks and Ljh,
    How about large (2 inches long) nail clippers? Removed from me by security at Stansted. “Take this plane to Wigan or I’ll do your toe nails!”.

  18. The mention of razor gangs reminded me of the early 1950s scare about gangs carrying coshes – so much so that there was a film called “Cosh Boy”.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if someone with retro cultural knowledge doesn’t resurrect them if carrying knives became more problematic. They were arather more fearsome in effect than most people would think.
    The simple version of anything heavy in a sock also had the virtues of being cheap and easily assembled then disassembled to look innocent.

  19. Yes, mea culpa, I hadn’t noticed the 2″ caveat.

    As you were, Mr Miller (save for an officious twerp in uniform).

  20. There’s a lovely bit of kit I saw a while ago. It’s a knife would probably conform to the new regulations. The blade’s a square tip. The edges are wavy & sharp enough to shave with. It’s made of what’s basically flexible razor blade steel but about twice as thick & sheath’s within a heavy leather belt. The fake buckle forms the hilt .& it’s finshed in a dull grey makes it hard to see.
    Perfect thing for a knife fight. It’d cut through a heavy leather jacket sleeve like it wasn’t there, though tendons & arteries right down to the bone. Disarming your attacker, one might say.

  21. Dennis, Septic to the Masses

    Surely this is a joke?

    It’s a joke within a joke. The larger joke being, well, take a guess…

    Who in their right mind is going to buy one?

    Even if you are not soon compelled by British law, no doubt EU regulations will soon compel you. And you will with a grumble and not much fuss. It’s what you do…

  22. “In trying to fix it we broke it. So, trying to repair.”
    I did that to my Wiki. Upgrading to get some useful extra features killup image uploads, and I can’t work out how to get it back.

  23. @M’Lud
    I think the ‘non lockable’ is also relevant. I’m not certain that a Leatherman with a lockable knife would be equally legal (even if it only had a 2 inch blade).

  24. I had a corkscrew in my hand luggage that I’d forgotten was there, going through Paris CDG airport.
    Security spotted it, I took it out of my bag and I handed it over. Security took one look at it and returned it to me (with a smile) – no problem!

  25. It would appear despite its poor rate of historical success, banning is once again the idiots choice.

    We banned murder, assault, drugs, knives, carrying knives for other people, guns, and more and more speech.

    Violent crime is up. Murder and drug death remains high. Brexit and Trump show ordinary folk are more fractious with their elites than ever and political discourse more fractious.

    We can’t banned our way to an orderly life. Our culture has to prize it. Rewarding the well behaved and punish the badly behaved, only banning the smallest possible slice of behaviour and items..

  26. Itellyounothing,


    illegality of drug
    lots of immigrants

    legalise drugs and you’ll solve the problem. Reduce the immigrants and you’ll get less brutal violence.

  27. I briefly had Alistair Hignell as my history teacher in the late 70s.

    He once came to school with a walking stick after a rugby injury left him hobbling. It was, IIRC, his grandfather’s.

    He impressed us mightily by twisting the handle and pulling out the sword blade hidden in the stick.

  28. Now there’s posh. At my places all the rugger buggers were geography teachers. Simple subject for simple people.

  29. Cool. My walking stick just has a very heavy steel handle and a strong, lightweight shaft.

    I’ve always wondered how effective a sword stick is at getting the sword out of the stick. Wouldn’t you have to lift you hand higher than your head to get it out? Like Deadpool-style back swords, grab the handle and within a few inches you’ve run out of arm length.

  30. CM:

    I think the ‘non lockable’ is also relevant. I’m not certain that a Leatherman with a lockable knife would be equally legal (even if it only had a 2 inch blade).

    Quite right. Less than 3 inches with a non-locking blade is legal to carry in public without you needing a specific reason. It does depend on shit-thick plods knowing the law though.

    Funnily though, when plod carry locking blades (even though they’re not supposed to) and use them to smash their way into your car (because you were insufficient deferential), they just get let off with a fine.

  31. jgh,

    Most swordstick blades I’ve seen were basically short variations on the tuck or estoc: square-sectioned with no cutting edge but very strong and stiff in the thrust. A few would have long blades, but others like the couple I’ve seen and handled only eighteen inches or so.

    A taller man could get about thirty inches of blade if you really went for it, drawing with the left hand holding the stick just below the join, positioned low and ideally to your left; while you drew the blade with your right hand across your body. (No edge, so no percentage in an iaido-style slashing quickdraw).

    Some schools of thought kept the stick in the left hand for guards, parries and as a bludgeon, while the sword in the right was purely offensive – it was basically a long bodkin, and while it could eventually be highly lethal (deep puncture wounds with a good chance of causing sepsis) it wasn’t good at quickly incapacitating, nor did it offer a lot of parrying power (slim blade and not an ideal grip).

    Sword sticks and canes are of course terribly illegal now, with a few antiques still around as curios for display but not to be taken outside the house.

    For myself, when I was struggling with a bad bout of sciatica and found a stick useful for helping me get about, I acquired a handsome African walking stick of stout construction, with a rounded head that offers a comfortable grip for my large hands. I believe the locals call it a “knobkerrie”…

  32. I was bequeathed a wooden swagger stick of (I think) Indian origin bound with brass rings at both ends and with two further bands one third of the way along where it separates into a sheath and the handle of a 30cm long dagger. It’s a beautifully crafted thing.

  33. Bloke in North Dorset

    I think the ‘non lockable’ is also relevant. I’m not certain that a Leatherman with a lockable knife would be equally legal (even if it only had a 2 inch blade).

    There’s regular comments on sailing forums. The advice is that if you’re carrying one going back and forth to the boat you’re fine with a reasonable copper, at other times you might be in trouble.

    Basic laws on knives
    It’s illegal to:

    sell a knife to anyone under 18, unless it has a folding blade 3 inches long (7.62 cm) or less
    carry a knife in public without good reason, unless it has a folding blade with a cutting edge 3 inches long or less
    carry, buy or sell any type of banned knife
    use any knife in a threatening way (even a legal knife)

    Lock knives
    Lock knives are not classed as folding knives and are illegal to carry in public without good reason. Lock knives:

    have blades that can be locked and refolded only by pressing a button
    can include multi-tool knives – tools that also contain other devices such as a screwdriver or can opener

    Good reasons for carrying a knife or weapon
    Examples of good reasons to carry a knife or weapon in public can include:

    taking knives you use at work to and from work
    taking it to a gallery or museum to be exhibited
    if it’ll be used for theatre, film, television, historical reenactment or religious purposes, for example the kirpan some Sikhs carry
    if it’ll be used in a demonstration or to teach someone how to use it
    A court will decide if you’ve got a good reason to carry a knife or a weapon if you’re charged with carrying it illegally.

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