I know, let’s write a book, right here!

There’s a moment in one of the Andy Rooney (Hell, maybe all of them) where he looks up and says “I know, let’s put on a show. Right here, in the barn!”

At which point, let’s do a book. On the subject of Love in the time of coronavirus. As back here. Take a book, a film, a video game, anything like that. And redo the plot, or a description, or an extract, to reflect today’s troubled times.

Ecksie’s “Great Expectorations” is a super example.

“”Jamie’s Coronavirus Cookbook” – come on, we know it’s only a matter of time.” could be another.

We’ve all got more than a little extra time right now. Poetry, song lyrics, why not?

And can we get 200 pages by Monday? Stick it up on Amazon and see what happens. If it sells 5 copies (there will be a week of free downloads so we all get a copy or three) which is the likely outcome then OK, pays the server for a bit. If it actually sells then we’ll work out something reasonable on copyrights.

” Smokey and the Bandit – Burt Reynolds smuggles hand sanitizer across state lines.”

“Lysistrata – Democratic women withhold sex until their husbands bring in paid family leave to solve the crisis. Of limited effect given the sexual tastes of, respectively, D women and D men.”

Rules. No wild swearing. Other than that, well.

Entries in the comments here or email them direct.

43 thoughts on “I know, let’s write a book, right here!”

  1. We actually have a store built right into the site for digital downloads i just haven’t had reason to activate it…

  2. Mickey Rooney?

    The current situation reminds me of the Star Trek TOS episode where a disease kills off all the adults leaving only feral children.

  3. What you need to do is print only one copy and put a million pound price tag on it.

    It would probably sell. If your name were Haruki Murakami.

  4. Dennis, The Peak of Mental Health

    Ecksie’s “Great Expectorations” is a super example.

    Great Expectorations was mine.

    And thanks for mixing me up with Ecks.

    Vengeance will me mine.

  5. Dennis, He Who Remains Unpublished

    It was a dark and stormy night; the virus fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent bout of collective sneezing which swept up the streets (for it is in Wuhan that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty masks of the uninfected that struggled to find toilet paper.

  6. Where are hoards of chlorinated chickens when you need them? They’d see off the virus.

    Any chance we could breed one big enough to take out Spud?

  7. Dennis, Defender of the Barnyard

    Any chance we could breed one big enough to take out Spud?

    That would involve Amanda Marcotte, Ecks and a very large tube of Vasoline. The logistics make it doubtful.

  8. Great Expectorations was mine.

    And thanks for mixing me up with Ecks.

    It was Ecks’ first. Typical Yank, coming in late and claiming all the credit!

  9. Maritime Barbarian

    The Man in the Iron Face Mask.
    Who is the mysterious man confined in the top-security gaol?
    He’s Public Enemy No 1, the great-great-grandchild of Typhoid Mary . . .

  10. Dennis, Septic to the Masses

    It was Ecks’ first. Typical Yank, coming in late and claiming all the credit!

    That’s fine. Surprising though, as Ecks isn’t renowned for being intentionally humorous. I’m more relieved that it wasn’t Timmy mixing the two of us up.

    And yeah, we do come in late and claim all the credit… and usually with good reason.

  11. “I’m afraid you’re going to need to take your socks off for this one, Prime Minister.”
    Boris looked at the briefing paper that his faithful amanuensis Cummings had slipped on his desk. It had numbers on it. Very big numbers.
    “So. It’s airborne, you say. Then we must call out the Parachute Regiment. We must fight this threat to our way of life with all the forces at our disposal. And Border Force, of course.”
    “I’m afraid the Border Force pedalo is undergoing maintainance, sir.”
    “Then call out the Royal Marines. Both of them.”

    tbc

  12. The Meissen Bison

    Ecks isn’t renowned for being intentionally humorous.

    Dennis in all his guises is renowned for trying at drollery again and again but always falling woefully short of the target. Too bad.

    and usually with good reason

    Pointy elbows?

  13. Taking up from where I left off this morning:

    Mr B had heard a rumour that there were baked beans to be had in his local One Stop. He had just joined the queue – carefully keeping a social distance between himself and the next customer – when suddenly the unthinkable happened. He sneezed!

    Being a good citizen, he managed to get his hand – with a tissue already in place – in front of his face before the virus laden expectorate spread through the store. He quickly blew his nose to clear any remaining mucus, but he was left with a terrible dilemma.

    There was a bin outside the shop door but if he did his civic duty and binned the offending tissue he would lose his place in the queue and it might be the following week before there were beans on the shelves.

    As he agonised over his choice a gloved hand descended on his shoulder and a gruff voice growled, “Right mate! You’re nicked!” MR B looked at the huge gas-masked, hazmat-suited figure that held him captive then, shrugging his shoulders resignedly, went quietly along with the social responsibility enforcement officer.

    “Who knows,” he thought, “Maybe they’ve got beans in the isolation cells.”

  14. It’s not all that dangerous a virus, he said. It looks just like many of the other ones except for slight modifications to the sink-plunger things on its Dalek-like exterior. And we all know that such superficial differences are only skin deep; they have no other consequence. You can’t judge a book by its cover.

    At that point Mr Corbyn was led gently away to the funny farm.

  15. 200,000 cases of coronavirus worldwide = PANDEMIC !!!

    36,000,000 cases of seasonal flu in U.S. = yawn.

  16. “He had just joined the queue – carefully keeping a social distance between himself and the next customer – when suddenly the unthinkable happened. He sneezed!

    Being a good citizen, he managed to get his hand – with a tissue already in place – in front of his face before the virus laden expectorate spread through the store. He quickly blew his nose to clear any remaining mucus, but he was left with a terrible dilemma.”

    A symptom of crappy government. The governments have not published what the actual fvcking symptoms of CV are!

    Had they, Mr B and all around him would have known that sneezing and nasal mucus are NOT SYMPTOMS OF CORONAVIRUS!

    Christ on a unicycle.

  17. Dennis, Who Is Happily Not A Even-Toed Ungulate

    Bison –

    You don’t like me. We get it. We get it.

    And drollery is for wogs. I was just pointing out a fact.

  18. Dennis: Oppressor, Warmonger, Capitalist and Consumer of Petroleum Products

    If you look back at the thread, you’ll see that Ecks beat you to it..:)

    Yep. And if you look back at the thread, I’ve already acknowledged it.

    Oh, the irony…

    Wait…

  19. The Greylocks Redemption

    Stir crazy pensioner, infuriated by his unwarranted detention and the demeaning condescension of the brutal corrupt local social services Gauleiter, tunnels out of his home (entrance concealed behind a poster of Nora Batty), using only his hearing aid cleaning brush. He makes a beeline for his local Gregg’s where he sits proudly and defiantly mumbling the steak slice he’s craved over 4 months of mind-numbing isolation

  20. Acshually Mr Gamecock, sneezing and nasal mucus are symptoms of corona virii. The common cold is a corona virus. The current version may not produce a lot of sneezing but someone with a cold can also catch the Wuhan iteration and anyway, the UK government is still going with a slightly updated version of “Coughs and sneezes spread diseases” called Catch it! Bin it! Kill it

  21. Canadian govt advice has sneezing as one of the symptoms, going to be fun as allergy season ramps up isn’t it

  22. Mrs B walked slowly into Sainsbury’s to do her weekly shop. A young man wearing the store uniform stepped in front of her.

    “I’m sorry madam,” he said, “Seniors aren’t allowed in after 9am.”

    Mrs B looked the young man up and down. “Did you just assume my age!” she said haughtily. Then she brushed past him and carried on into the store.

  23. Excellent for Mrs B.

    My store has a senior discount on Thursdays. But checkout clerks are FORBIDDEN from asking if one qualifies. You have to request it. Similarly, NFW they could tell someone they couldn’t come in because of their age.

    Then I get to, “You can’t come in after 9 because of your age.” ??? Bizzarro world.

  24. From Webmd:

    ‘Here are the most common symptoms and the percentage of people who had them:

    Fever: 88%
    Dry cough: 68%
    Fatigue: 38%
    Coughing up sputum, or thick phlegm, from the lungs: 33%
    Shortness of breath: 19%
    Bone or joint pain: 15%
    Sore throat: 14%
    Headache: 14%
    Chills: 11%
    Nausea or vomiting: 5%
    Stuffy nose: 5%
    Diarrhea: 4%
    Coughing up blood: 1%
    Swollen eyes: 1%

    COVID-19 is a lower respiratory tract infection, which means that most of the symptoms are felt in the chest and lungs.’

    “Acshually Mr Gamecock, sneezing and nasal mucus are symptoms of corona virii.”

    Don’t see ’em listed.

  25. Sainsbury’s has announced that the first hour they open tomorrow will be seniors only to keep us poor oldies away from the rest of the riff raff. I must admit to a bit of poetic licence in suggesting we might be barred after 9, although the way things are going it might happen soon.

    Although the prat at HQ that assumed us geezers all get up at the crack of bloody dawn needs sorting.

    Oh, and the common cold is a member of the corona virus family and although it’s mostly respiratory tract, it can affect the nasal passages.

  26. Dear Mr Worstall

    Five Die Horrible Deaths in Dorset

    If dogs don’t get coronavirus, perhaps you could stand in on all fours and say ‘woof’ a bit.

    DP

  27. Harrumph: my titles rejected sulk wah – /sulk

    @Andrew C

    No chlorinated chickens or non chlorinated chickens in supermarket today, plague of locusts had moved on too leaving some surviving battered and bruised grannies on floor

    @Gamecock March 18, 2020 at 5:25 pm

    200,000 cases of coronavirus worldwide = PANDEMIC !!!

    36,000,000 cases of seasonal flu in U.S. = yawn.

    +1,000

    In UK normal deaths is 1,680 every day (ONS)

    That said, my 79 year old mum knows the figures, is rational, but is now scared shitless due to all the Gov, UN, WHO, MSM scare-mongering.

    She brushes aside Brexit & Climate fear-mongering, but health (might kill her, no food) has really panicked her

    Mr Ecks, operate that noose 24/7 on the evil cnuts scaring public

  28. “Oh, and the common cold is a member of the corona virus family and although it’s mostly respiratory tract, it can affect the nasal passages.”

    Which has fuck all to do with Covid-19, the subject of this thread.

  29. siege of krishnapur – a booker winner a few years back? – basically Brits holed up in a residency (its a fictional one but resembles lucknow), with Mutineers sniping them off and starving them out. People start contracting cholera. Two doctors have a dispute about it how it’s transmitted- airborne vs from contact or from infected water (IIRC). To be fair to one of them (and unlike all us keyboard M.D.s) – One Dr tries to disprove the other’s theory by consuming the ‘grey discharge’ (!) from one of his illest patients’ arse (plot twist-his wife-who dies)- that DR get’s cholera, dies. Personal tragedy but i’d say experimentally it counts as a success. . Cavalry turns up, Mutineers blown from cannons, surviving Brits survive. Hurrah.

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