The Spud plan for saving businesses from going bust

Conditions have to be attached including:

Going for zero carbon
Accounting for doing so via sustainable cost accounting
Paying living wages
Recognising unions
An end to tax abuse and all involvement with tax havens
Real measures to address gender pay gaps
Investment in and responsibility to all stakeholders
Employees on the board

How many businesses would survive the imposition of those costs?

36 thoughts on “The Spud plan for saving businesses from going bust”

  1. The trouble is that most of the things on the list are either moronic or unachievable. For example, there is no gender pay gap. If the cretins like Spud think there is, then how can anyone persuade them of that fact? Also, what is his definition of a tax haven and how will he mitigate against double taxation?

    The fact that this oxygen thief is still alive is the scandal of our age

  2. Unions are recognised aren’t they? Quite sure they have a legal status and don’t have to operate underground.

  3. Real measures to address gender pay gaps means making women work longer hours: the biggest single differentiator between male and female pay is the number of hours worked.
    My former employer was a leader in its sector in having employees on the board, with the “General Manager and Actuary” appointed a Director in the early 60s, before Murphy was born, and his successor appointed a Director a very few years after succeeding as “General Manager and Actuary”: the latter came to dominate the board so that all his successors became Directors.
    We didn’t recognise unions because the committee of “Staff Association” (largely comprised of individuals who imagined unions were a “good thing” – otherwise they would not have got involved in the Staff Association) interviewed representatives of two or three unions who wanted to recruit us en bloc and were so horrified by how all of them were working against “our” interests (the interests of employees of our firm) that they dropped the idea like a piece of manure. [At the time I commented that I, and many others, *did* have union representation since the Hon Treasurer of our professional body was on the Board of Directors – this pendantic comment was viewed as eccentric.]
    Just *how* does one invest in customers?

  4. Employees on the board? Aren’t directors already employees of the company?

    What Herr Oberst Kartoffel means is that Bill from the warehouse should be on the board and part of the decision making processes. In which case, fuck off Kartoffel, you are an idiot.

  5. He should stop wasting his time with Labour or with the porridge wogs. The Tories would lap this stuff up.

  6. @ Henry Crun
    Non-executives are not.
    Most investment trusts have no employee directors.
    When I was young almost all insurance companies had no employee-directors

  7. I like the way the soon to be wholly donation funded Prof slipped in sustainable cost accounting ™ there. Surely this would not be a Fair Tax Mark II scheme, with compliance certification by way of a fee payable to R Murphy?

  8. What is “sustainable cost accounting”?

    An attempt to extract vermine from the ecomentalists.

  9. “An end to tax abuse and all involvement with tax havens”

    Since we are frequently reminded that the UK is itself a tax haven, perhaps the UK government should save the economy by imposing the condition that all British businesses that wish to be saved must cut all ties with Britain?

  10. Dennis, CPA to the Gods

    What is “sustainable cost accounting”?

    No one knows, least of all Spud. As of this date he has failed to provide a conceptual framework, rules, standards or guidelines.

  11. When questioned on sustainable accounting he says he’s the ideas person and it’s up to others to come up with the detail. When pushed on a framework at least he claimed to be working on it, that was a while ago.
    I’m surprised he hasn’t shoehorned CbCR in there as well

  12. Going for zero carbon
    We shall endeavour to ensure that all our energy needs are met by nuclear sources.
    Flatulent employees will be reminded of the existence of the Excess Emissions Jar.
    Meetings, if held at all, will be kept brief and to the point to prevent the excess expulsion of hot air.
    To compensate for any secondary excess carbon emission past the Zero mark, the company has decided to employ the use of the single most effective CO2-binding , endemic, annual, and historical crop botanic species with a guaranteed recyclability and commercial and/or nutritional benefit to act as outside greenery and living office partitions.
    As such, only growths of Cannabis sp. and Urtica Dioica shall be applied to these spaces and partitions.

    Accounting for doing so via sustainable cost accounting
    The company will ensure the accounting department is truly dead-tree-less, and that every plastic sheet used for notes is cleaned with degradable detergent, and every paperclip accounted for and recycled.

    Paying living wages
    The company shall make sure the deceased won’t get a single penny.

    Recognising unions
    The company shall ensure any employee can recognise a Union Rep on sight. In line with the principle of Liberty and Free Will, the choice to shoot them or not is entirely theirs.

    An end to tax abuse and all involvement with tax havens
    The company shall respect the tax laws to the letter. It will, however, reserve the right to perform the civic duty to find and use the loopholes the Legislative Powers saw fit to write in for their in-laws and mistresses.

    Real measures to address gender pay gaps
    The company shall make no difference between gender (real or imagined) , race, or philosophical lifestyle when it comes to payment or any other benefit that comes with donating labour to this company at any given position of responsibility.
    Any and every form of bias that is not related to the cost-effectiveness of a candidate for a given position is to be disregarded as irrelevant.
    The candidate shall, during the selection procedure, supply the referenced proof needed to assess the candidate’s cost-effectiveness to the company.
    To further ensure non-bias, the final selection will take place between the top 5 selected candidates during a round of competitive Musical Chairs at the departments’ Friday Afternoon Weekly Evaluation as an ad-hoc test of Social Compatibility with the current department employees.

    Investment in and responsibility to all stakeholders
    If you’re holding a stake you’re not working.
    Science has to this day not been able to prove the existence of vampires, so holding stakes is not to the benefit of the company, and as such not eligible for compensation by the company.

    Employees on the board
    Within the framework of suitability and aptitude relevant to a position at that level, any employee is welcome to apply for a position on the board. We always need fresh blood for the Raptor pit.

  13. I am not reading this blog I am just TESTING MY EYESIGHT …I mean usually I TEST MY EYESIGHT by hurtling along the road at 70 miles an hour and having a picnic but today I am TESTING MY EYESIGHT is a more conventional way
    You see I am very worried about it ..and now I am not worried about it .. and now it is good enough to drive 290 miles and now it is so bad I am at any second be incapacitated

    You know how these things happen ..oh and we went to hospital …oh and we stopped for petrol …
    Ok lets really test that eyesight

    L

    I

    E

    Can you read that ?

    Ok please lets keep the cunt

  14. O…..K…..
    Newmania, that one was more incoherent than even the most ethanol-driven Ecksiest rants on a late friday… And if my suspicions are correct, and assuming I ..decoded.. the rather obtuse implied meaning right… in the wrong thread to boot.

    Congratulations!!

  15. 12th of April was his wife`s Birthday Grikath and as for being on the wrong thread ….Well you see on page 52 of the thread guidance it does allow you to do what the fuck you like. I mean some would call it selfish but I think when you fully understand the complexity on the issue you will see that doing ” …what the fuck you like “,.is reasonable .

    I just hope you understand that you know the full story,…..( sob sob )

  16. @ Newmania
    You hurtle along the road at 70 mph on your bicycle!?!
    You are Bradley Wiggins and I claim my £5 reward!

  17. Oh dear, Newmy has found someone to remove his thumb from his bum and he is going to display his total insanity to the world

  18. Just idly looking at some numbers to help Newmy – who allegedly thinks he knows about risks, working in insurance and all that, and thinking a world deal Brexit ( often incorrectly labelled a no-deal ) is disastrous compared to a negotiated deal.
    Being 50-59 with no comorbidities – being exposed to Covid-19 might have a 1 in 5000 chance of killing you.
    Bicycle riding for 10000 miles – has about a 1 in 3300 chance of killing you.

  19. being exposed to Covid-19 might have a 1 in 5000 chance of killing you.

    ..and yet the chances of two people being entirely and suddenly incapacitated are so high it requires an immediate trip to Durham and detour to a local Hospital and a local Beauty spot on the wifes Birthday,decided upon when you were still fit enough to return to work the same day .

  20. No counter argument to the relative risks faced by yourself then. But hey, here’s this guy who’s made some statements I can pick some holes in, so centralisation of land owner hand outs to Brussels is a good idea.
    What school taught you this as a line of argument Newmania? I mean, I’m 55 and weigh 150 lbs, so you can guess that’s not a lot of opposition for you, but the way you bang on about the personal decisions of some bullying cunt with quite a lot of good points, over bigger issues like who gets to decide in a civilised society, gets my goat.
    If you want a fight down at the Maiden Castle playing fields any time, just let me know a time and place. I don’t care if you’re bigger or smarter, just the opportunity to call you out for the centralising landowner crony capitalist proetectionist subsidy lover you are would be worth it.

  21. Plenty of people ‘work in insurance’, plenty disagree with the stance of Newmania.

    Of course we do need some people like NEwmania to do the admin, so the clear people can do the real work!

  22. The state orders your business shut down and your customers to keep away, and then offers to salvage the situation but only if you do exactly what the state says.

    It’s like Kristallnacht, isn’t Ritchie? Only bigger and better.

  23. We he said his wife ‘suggested’ they take a rest drive first I found myself thinking that my wife would do exactly the same so I’m happy to accept it was ‘reasonsable’ if only for a quiet life and the avoiding of 250 miles of ‘are you sure your ok’
    I had hoped that when they accused him of ‘costing lives’ as people would use his behaviour as an excuse that he’d pointed out they have a very poor opinion of the U.K. public, an absurdly high opinion of his influence and that if anyone was to blame it was their false stories spreading fake news.

  24. I see Shearings coaches are down the pan. I have two relatives who have taken a coach holiday with them every year for 15+ years and an acquaintance takes three coach holidays a year with them. All down the plan thanks to political scums hysteria.

  25. Stupidity is a more dangerous enemy of the good than malice. One may protest against evil; it can be exposed and, if need be, prevented by use of force. Evil always carries within itself the germ of its own subversion in that it leaves behind in human beings at least a sense of unease. Against stupidity we are defenseless. Neither protests nor the use of force accomplish anything here; reasons fall on deaf ears; facts that contradict one’s prejudgment simply need not be believed – in such moments the stupid person even becomes critical – and when facts are irrefutable they are just pushed aside as inconsequential, as incidental. In all this the stupid person, in contrast to the malicious one, is utterly self satisfied and, being easily irritated, becomes dangerous by going on the attack. For that reason, greater caution is called for when dealing with a stupid person than with a malicious one. Never again will we try to persuade the stupid person with reasons, for it is senseless and dangerous.

    Dietrich Bonhoefer

  26. yet the chances of two people being entirely and suddenly incapacitated…

    You mean like your “friends” whose shopping and washing you had to do? FFS Violet Elizabeth, consistency isn’t your strong point. No wonder insurance documentation is incoherent drivel. Or do you just sit at a desk with a headset filling in the forms for cat insurance?

  27. Henry -Our friends were self isolating with their child and their washing machine broke down?( To complicated for you?) They are not the only household we know who have been in this position without feeling they could carry the virus into a Hospital at the other end of the country meander around the town centre and go for a picnic whilst staying at a second home.
    As I say if you are prepared to defend this then I can only assume you are so eaten up with whatever bug gets into freaks like you, that you can no longer seen reason at all.

  28. The Meissen Bison

    Pneumie – are you the Uri Geller of washing machines? Another reason if that were needed that makes you a person not to know.

    down?( To complicated

    Poor

    you can no longer seen reason

    Hopeless

  29. Violet Elizabeth, we can add autistic children to the list of people you don’t like. Cunt.

  30. Ecks: Yes, very sad. My parents went on many Shearings holidays in their 70s & 80s. Not sure I would be repeating their experience (no chance now!), but they filled a need for many elderly people. This is going to be a recurring theme for many formerly solid businesses.

  31. @ Henry Crun
    No you cannot because it’s been on the list for years.
    Dumping an autistic four-year-old on strangers constitutes cruel and unusual punishment for all of those involved.

  32. Going for zero carbon – as explained before, an individual company cannot be zero carbon, only a process (which normally involves several companies) can do this.
    Accounting for doing so via sustainable cost accounting – so companies can survive “unsustainable” accounting?
    Paying living wages – why? so sh*ts like you can tax them more?
    Recognising unions – didn’t we get rid of closed shops like decades ago?
    An end to tax abuse and all involvement with tax havens – you only have to change the law and make it illegal, nothing to do with how a company runs its legal business.
    Real measures to address gender pay gaps – nothing to address here, as it is all about individual choice and nothing to do with companies, unless you are suggesting we forbid women to have children?
    Investment in and responsibility to all stakeholders – you mean like shares and shareholders?
    Employees on the board – any employee can stand for election to a board, so done.

  33. A bit late but better late than never. Why should Cummings need to stop for petrol between London and Durham? I don’t. I’m not quite in London but within walking distance (to the Thames and back in a day) or running distance (if I had a change of clothes in the office) and I’ve driven to/from Durham without stopping for petrol many times. Anyone who thinks that’s impossible needs to get his car serviced by someone competent.

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