That’s a job I would take

Not that I’ve applied for it of course, nor has anyone been stupid enough to approach me:

From the coronavirus strategy to the merits of Rule, Britannia!, the prime minister’s new spokesperson will have to deal with the full range of issues confronting the government.

As the selection process for the first incumbent reaches its closing stages, though, the successful candidate is likely to face a harder question still: why on earth would you want to do it?

With the closing date for applications passed and the Downing Street machine back to full gear with Boris Johnson’s director of communications, Lee Cain, returning to the office, it was reported on Sunday that the process of sifting through the CVs will now intensify.

And although the job answering the questions of the press on camera will command a salary of £100,000 a year and a place on every news broadcast, the clearest signals yet are about those who view the opportunity with caution.

No one in their right minds would give me the job either. But I would love to be the first prime ministerial spokesman to tell a journalist, live on air, “Fuck off, twat”. It’s not whether that would happen but how quickly….

18 thoughts on “That’s a job I would take”

  1. . . . will have to deal with the full range of issues confronting the government.

    The biggest issue being that the government is a bunch of unbelievably fucking useless turd-blossoms.
    You’d be saying “Fuck off, twat” to the PM well before addressing the meeja.

  2. Only £100,000 – for that job!

    Anyone capable of it is capable of earning more.

    I wonder, therefore, if it is a bit like a lavishly remunerated commercial Silk agreeing to become a High Court judge on £180,000 a year. Kind of doing it pro bono, having made your packet.

  3. I’d take the job–but statements like “Yes Blojob Johnson is a BlueMarxist public school wanker sack of treacherous, gutless, pussy-whipped Marx-owned green-freak shite” would probably cause some trouble with HR.

  4. So Much For Subtlety

    Trump has shown that calling the media rude words plays well with a segment of the voting population. A rather bigger segment in the US than in the UK I fear, but worth chasing anyway.

    So telling the media to fuck off should be the first job prerequisite. Hell, I would skip that part and go straight to hiring Ecks.

  5. Given the government’s propensity for uturnery, the official line on every topic will have changed dramatically even while the reptile hoards foregather for the first briefing.

    So a canny negotiator should be able to arrange his contract so that he is guaranteed the first year’s salary plus compensation for early termination which should amount to a further 51 weeks’ worth.

  6. Yeah, I also think £100k is a bit shit for a high profile/high stress job in London. Understandable in the context of what the PM makes, but senior BBC bods wouldn’t get out of bed for that.

    What would £100k get you these days – a bedsit in Luton?

    Might as well hire a PA with a cracking set of tits if that’s all they can pay.

  7. Trump has shown that calling the media rude words plays well with a segment of the voting population. A rather bigger segment in the US than in the UK I fear

    Dunno, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan have made very good careers out of being dicks.

  8. £100k may not be a lot for such a high-profile job but whoever takes it will expect to be trousering a lot more in future* – directorship with a big PR/lobbying agency, book deal if he/she lasts, a couple of quango seats or bag-carrying for dodgy oligarchs. 3 years in the job could be the making of you.

    You still wouldn’t get a BBC known name go for it, why would they bother when they can get £200-500k for an easy ride based largely on looks/voice/gender/race?

    *a bit like being a government minister…

  9. I wonder, therefore, if it is a bit like a lavishly remunerated commercial Silk agreeing to become a High Court judge on £180,000 a year. Kind of doing it pro bono, having made your packet.

    Isn’t it sometimes a realisation that they haven’t provided for their retirement as well as they might? Plus, with luck your missus gets to call herself a lady and you get to wear fancy (even fancier) dress and send people to prison – what’s not to like?

  10. Needs to be a woman, I think. Tanya Beckett springs to mind. Somebody who call tell you to “fuck off” and make you grin and bear it.

  11. Dennis, He Whose Floatilla Fills The Tub

    Hell, I would skip that part and go straight to hiring Ecks.

    Great. Perhaps the only way you could possibly garner sympathy for the BBC and you think it’s a wonderful idea.

    First Rule of Wog Politics: Having a PM’s spokesman who requires a lobster bib to keep drool off his shirt is never a good look.

  12. “What matters it how far we go?”
    His scaly friend replied,
    “There is another shore, you know,
    Upon the other side.”

    Where lobsters all wear bibs to form
    Quadrilles and such perchance?
    But over here it’s not the norm,
    We feel it spoils the dance.

  13. Dennis–you could fire the entire magazines of two 20 round pistols down your own pants and still miss what passes for your bollocks.

    You should be fucked to death by Kowmara Hate-Youse while Biden feels your hair. Prob across the room since it will be as phony as the rest of you.

  14. Dennis, He Who Needs Neither A Lobster Bib Nor Meds

    One thing I do have to admit… Ecks Does has the sort of natural aplomb and elegance you’d want to associate yourself with.

  15. A good way of sifting the CVS would be to immediately bin any from people currently or past employed by the BBC, Sky or the Guardian.

  16. Edward Lud said:
    “I wonder, therefore, if it is a bit like a lavishly remunerated commercial Silk agreeing to become a High Court judge on £180,000 a year. Kind of doing it pro bono, having made your packet.”

    Isn’t it more like the ambitious 2nd-rater taking a Recordership in the hope that it will boost their career afterwards?

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