Two weeks before the pandemic shut the world down, I got top surgery. In the months that followed, I changed my name and started testosterone. Best decisions I’ve ever made. But puberty in adulthood is a wild ride. Thanks to quarantine, I got to experience the most awkward stages privately: voice cracking, skin getting oily, acne, hair growing on my butt. The only witnesses to my real puberty — in my 20s — were my best friend Sam and my dog Joni. During lockdown, I could feel like a little boy every day. I would run into my living room shirtless, telling Sam and Joni to look at how well my scars were healing. Because of my contained, loving environment, I was able to enjoy a childlike appreciation of the physical changes I’d always dreamed about.

Then it was time to re-emerge with a new name, a deeper voice, and no tits. Everything that was playful and fun about my gender expression at home was immediately complicated by the way people perceive me in public. All of a sudden, strangers see me as a guy. I wish it were that simple. I know that when people see me as a cis man, they’re missing something. At home, I didn’t have to check a gender box. The pressure to check that box only exists in the public sphere. In private, I feel like I exist outside of the gender binary. That’s my favorite place to be.

Why go through all that if being outside the binary choice is the favourite place?

Why not just stay as is and not be entirely conformant to the binary?

10 thoughts on “Weird”

  1. I wonder how many such people stop at “top surgery”? My guess would be very few and she’s pretty much backed herself into the corner for the big one. She will then have the rest of her life to reflect on whether or not this was the right thing to do.

    Counselling to persuade confused young people to proceed with hormones and surgery is widespread. Yet counselling to advise them whether to reconsider is considered arcane, oppressive and severely frowned upon by the powers that be.

  2. I know that when people see me as a cis man

    Presumably, a man that looks like a flat-chested woman: Hips – waist – shoulders ratios all wrong, no Adam’s apple, underdeveloped musculature but excess subcutaneous fat, feminine facial features, and all the rest.

  3. Wanted to look like a man. All bent out of shape when treated as a normal man. Wants people to recognize its binary nature on sight. This cannot happen. You will be treated as you present, not as you feelz.

  4. Tort lawyers across the US must be rubbing their hands in anticipation. How do the doctors concerned get malpractice insurance?

  5. How could anyone tell you were a cis man or just a man? Assuming ‘cis’ is an adjective applied to a man (ie, someone born with B & D)


    Of course, if you change the meaning of ‘man’, it all degenerates very quickly.

  6. I don’t think that it is possible for the rest of us to know what goes on in the head of someone who is female but wants to be male. It is totally outside of our experience and leaves us unable to judge. I would have thought that coming to terms with the way things are and dealing with that would make more sense than getting yourself mutilated and taking hormones so that you can pretend to be a man. But really, isn’t that just my ill informed opinion since there is no way for me to even imagine myself being in this woman’s position?

  7. @stonyground

    It’s a mental disease. Like having schizophrenia or being bipolar. We feel bad for these people and try to do our best to accommodate them. Like you, I’m not sure what the right solution is. To give the example I like to use, Body Integrity Identity Disorder, is a condition that is on the other side of the trans issue in terms of where the medical profession has now drawn the line. And their solution for BIID? Your solution is their one – “Instead of only curing the symptom, a causal therapy should be developed to integrate the alien limb into the body image”.,transection%20of%20their%20spinal%20cord.

    “The term body integrity identity disorder (BIID) describes the extremely rare phenomenon of persons who desire the amputation of one or more healthy limbs or who desire a paralysis. Some of these persons mutilate themselves; others ask surgeons for an amputation or for the transection of their spinal cord. Psychologists and physicians explain this phenomenon in quite different ways; but a successful psychotherapeutic or pharmaceutical therapy is not known. Lobbies of persons suffering from BIID explain the desire for amputation in analogy to the desire of transsexuals for surgical sex reassignment. Medical ethicists discuss the controversy about elective amputations of healthy limbs: on the one hand the principle of autonomy is used to deduce the right for body modifications; on the other hand the autonomy of BIID patients is doubted. Neurological results suggest that BIID is a brain disorder producing a disruption of the body image, for which parallels for stroke patients are known. If BIID were a neuropsychological disturbance, which includes missing insight into the illness and a specific lack of autonomy, then amputations would be contraindicated and must be evaluated as bodily injuries of mentally disordered patients. Instead of only curing the symptom, a causal therapy should be developed to integrate the alien limb into the body image.”

  8. Ramblings of a mental case. “Medics” who did this to her betrayed the Hippocratic Oath.

    Which I understand that large numbers of them no longer take. Is that a RoP thing? Or just general scummy attempt to dodge morality?

  9. Why is it that something these people call an “identity” mostly involves just changing their outward appearance?

    When I think of someone being Jewish, I think of something a little deeper than just a circumcised penis.

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