Don’t let the civil service near anything at all

So, folks who want to come and work here do need to be filtered in some manner. Even if it’s just to sort out those who want to work from those who don’t. And yet we shouldn’t allow the civil service near anything:

Food industry figures complain the tests foreigners must pass are unnecessarily complicated, with few managing to garner enough points under the current system.

They argue the reading, writing and speaking requirements are equal to what is expected of doctors, teachers and chemical engineers, despite the language demands of those roles being much higher.

In some cases candidates are also tested on niche or bizarre subjects, the Association of Independent Meat Suppliers claims.

Official listening exercises that the trade body sampled asked applicants to listen to a recording and then answer questions on topics including a cheese rolling competition, basketball, emus, Burlington Arcade, crane flies, Charles Dickens and Matisse.

Lampposts, that’s the solution.

22 thoughts on “Don’t let the civil service near anything at all”

  1. If the fragments are in BBC englih they’re worthless to begin with anyway, given the tendency of brit locals to sound a “tad” different regionally, or culturally, but you aren’t supposed to mention that..

  2. Depends what the goal is. If you want to pretend to support businesses while actually letting fewer people in, then this works perfectly.

  3. If they want migrant meat-packers to fit in with the existing workforce, shouldn’t they be testing their Polish language & cultural knowledge?

  4. Bloke in North Korea (Germany province)

    All the architects, engineers, and lawyers arriving by dinghy are fine then.

    Especially if they only have to have the language skills of a teacher.

  5. Lampposts, that’s the solution

    Don’t forget the piano wire.

    Depends what the goal is. If you want to pretend to support businesses while actually letting fewer people in, then this works perfectly.

    The only problem I have with this is doing it for people who are in this country and cannot be removed, in which case at least MAKE the buggers work rather than lounge around on welfare while they phuq their four wives and attend mosque.

  6. And yet the underemployed underpaid underclasses will be taught to vote for the very people who work so hard to replace them with foreign even-more-underpaid underclasses.

    I would say that people are sheep, but sheep come in out of the rain.

  7. @Ottkring – that’s because she was played by a black woman on screen. Oh hang on. That was Anne Boleyn. But apparently you can’t act trans or gay, so why the hell can you act white but not trans? The new rules of socially acceptable views are so hard to keep up with.

  8. A theatrical agent is talking in his office to a head on a plate .

    Agent : Great, you’re exactly what we’re looking for! Can you play anyone else apart from John the Baptist ?

    Head : I can also do Holofernes, Charles I and if I drag up, Mary Queen of Scots.

    Agent : If you can doll yourself up and play Anne Boleyn, I’ve got just the job for you !

  9. Instead of a complicated points system why not just have an immigrant tax for companies that need to import labour?

  10. “Despite the beleaguered Stuart queen’s dramatic biography, less than half of people know what century she ascended the throne.”

    From that, we can also assume that less than half of us know what century Liz 1 came to the throne too. Which sounds about right. I’m surprised it’s so many, actually. I’d bet a fair proportion would struggle to tell you who the current Queen’s dad was.

  11. Sam Duncan,

    “From that, we can also assume that less than half of us know what century Liz 1 came to the throne too. Which sounds about right. I’m surprised it’s so many, actually. I’d bet a fair proportion would struggle to tell you who the current Queen’s dad was.”

    Why would they even care? It’s not particularly interesting, not of any value to any job, and not going to get me a shag. The only advantage is being able to out-trivia someone else, at which point, it’s like learning the names of minor Star Wars characters, or who was playing in the 1967 FA Cup final.

  12. The Civil Service is indeed insane.
    Just yesterday I did an online CC job application numeracy test. One of the questions was (digs in bin…)
    Y=30, Z=2.5*Y, what is Z?
    30, 40, 60, 90?
    uuuuugggrr!!!!!!
    No ‘none of the above’ option, no ‘skip to next’ option.

    Later on… give a personal statement describing how your skills fit this job.
    Sweats blood for 20 minutes wrestling a personal statement into shape for this application.
    Click Next
    Describe how you make effective decisions.
    ARGHHGHH!!!! I’VE JUST DONE THAT IN THE PREVIOUS BLOODY PAGE!!!!!

  13. Sam Duncan: ” I’d bet a fair proportion would struggle to tell you who the current Queen’s dad was.”

    This may be caused by the fact that LizII has had a bit of a long run. In terms of World Affairs almost biblical even…
    I bet if you ask the average brit, they’ll have her directly succeeding Victoria.. And she might as well have.

  14. Why would they even care? It’s not particularly interesting, not of any value to any job, and not going to get me a shag.

    Rotherham isn’t on the M4 is it?

  15. Bloke in North Korea (Germany province)

    Grikath,

    Except a lot of the biblical rulers were rather noteworthy for their, er, not particularly biblical reigns.

  16. “folks who want to come and work here do need to be filtered in some manner.”

    Yes. That’s the employers’ job. If they pick bad candidates, they suffer the consequences. Unlike politicians, civil servants, and opinionated members of the public who want to restrict immigration to who they think are suitable.

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