So, here it is, your cut out and keep guide to writing a Sunday newspaper column. Our example today:
Another deluded rich girl is Ghislaine Maxwell. If you caught a single sentence of her brother’s steamingly hagiographic defence of her in The Spectator on Thursday, you’d struggle to see why she was on trial for sex crimes at all.
It wasn’t Robert — her tricksy, mendacious father — who shaped her, said Ian; it was Betty, their witty, intelligent, lovely, cosy, honest, gorgeous and underrated mother who gave her daughter the gifts of “energy, tenacity, determination” and, weirdly, “promptness”. It was Betty who insisted on calling her Ghislaine — not, as is generally claimed, the odious Robert. Betty chose a chic French name in revenge for Robert calling their son Kevin. And it’s not pronounced — sharp intake of breath — Jizlaine, he said, but Giilen. Yeah, me neither.
So, to adapt.
“I could tell what was wrong with Ghislaine when I met her in Oxford – in company with the future Tory MP blah blah.”
We’ve got to start off with something true – which that is – and which has something personal in it. I was there! I have a connection!
Then we need a few paragraphs of cod psychiatry.
“Being the youngest – and most favoured – child the shock of her father’s death……” “Imagine growing up knowing that the world is your mollusc of choice, that a fortune awaits and money will never be a problem” “Then your doting father is revealed as a crook and bankrupt” “Desperately looking for a patron….”
Add in lots of detail and snark, continue for 1200 words total. Invoice for £2,500 (probably).
It’s amazing more people don’t cotton on to how easy this is really.