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Today’s No Shit Sherlock statement

Warning: CS is at high risk of cutting its dividend

Err, yes……

9 thoughts on “Today’s No Shit Sherlock statement”

  1. I was thinking of popping down to Poundland to buy a bank. But their accounts are so FU that they are impossible to value.
    Rather a good tactic if you want to deter a takeover and keep a cushy job though.

  2. Popcorn time. 10 year CDS now c1000bps…. That’s a 10% payment per year for ten years to protect you against loosing 100% of your money.

    Conflict of interest declaration – I’d like to see CS default as it would test my firm’s counterparty risk processes which we’ve overhauled. We might loose a couple of million quid but it would be good to teach some people a lesson.

  3. CapX opines: “A takeover now feels inevitable with Silicon Valley Bank’s £1 valuation the price point”

    Now chaps, can we raise a quid between us? We can all form the board and appoint Tim as Chairman.
    (No bollocks about “Chair” in our bank.) We’ll hold board meetings over fondue and wine. Those who are interested could use the bank’s ski lodges. (I’m assuming such exist.) We’ll get to swan about on the company private jets. What say you?

  4. Thinking about it, we could tell our newly-acquired staff that they’d better do a good job or Tim will call up old Russian acquaintances to impose, um, sanctions on duffers.

    This idea has legs. (Is that the sort of cliche these chumps use?)

  5. dearieme

    I could probably rustle up a few groats, which I’m sure would be convertible to US promissory notes.

    Let’s go for it lads!

  6. Bloke in North Dorset

    If using the private jet to get to board meetings means I don’t have to go through those awful immigration queues I’m sure I’ll be able to find a couple of 5p pieces down the back of the sofa.

  7. Well I’ll take a double share because I have the risk capital available in a small cache of loose change I stumbled across. I want to be part of the board remuneration committee as a quid pro quo for stumping up a double shareholding.

  8. I sneeze in threes

    I have some empty pop bottles I waiting to return for the deposit. Can I use them as collateral to get onboard this wizzo scheme?

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