Ahahahaha

First Republic’s advisers have reportedly lined up potential purchasers of new shares providing they can fix the bank’s balance sheet.

Sure.

First Republic said on Tuesday it was considering selling off between $50bn to $100bn worth of securities and mortgages to balance the books.

Well, yes.

First Republic is said to have pitched a plan where the US government would pay above market value for bonds held by the bank, allowing it to raise money, according to CNBC.

So all we’ve got to do is find someone to pay above market prices, so that our balance sheet doesn’t take the hit, then our balance sheet will be fine and we’ve more investors lined up. That the plan?

Yep.

Cool. So, umm, those investors willing to lock in a loss by paying more than market price. Who are they?

Weeeeel….