Now there’s a blueprint for a successful divorce, drawn up by countless others who came before us. Instead of both parties going all guns blazing, War of the Roses style, damage control is the default these days, because we know we have to be grown up to cause the least stress possible for any children involved. Not only that, but we don’t want our friends taking sides, we don’t want to cause ripples in the neighbourhood, we don’t want to be seen as bitter and we want to be invited to dinner parties and BBQs still — yes, even if our ex is there!
It’s as if there is an unspoken PR strategy for separating by which we’ve unanimously started living. A divorce code, if you will.
Social codes exist, do they? Templates for how to exist around other people?
Gosh.
Having acted for many solicitors in my career, I always found that, man or woman, they just loved divorces. If there’s not enough animosity, a few judicious phrases here and there could ignite it, then the fees just shot up. So any “social codes” can easily be broken by pure, untamed greed…
I may have said this before but during my divorce the soon to be ex and I had reasonable relations. Her solicitors told her the delay in her getting her pay off was due to me not having paid my solicitors bill, which I had.
They didn’t know we were talking to each other. Bastards.
As above, incentives, innit? Thus in almost every divorce the only winners are the legals.
Apparently some people still haven’t learned that the only people who are better off for a court case are the lawyers involved. Which includes the judge.
You go to law to avoid having your life ruined, but you’ll never be better off than if you hadn’t had cause to go to law in the first place.
Two of my old (and quite wealthy) friends were getting divorced and both of them asked me for advice (I read Law, but never practised) – which was “keep away from lawyers and sort it out between yourselves, amicably”. This they did and I saw the settlement they’d worked out – it looked as good as such a thing can.
Then… One of the two was told by “a friend” to consult a lawyer. Net result – twelve months of increasing acrimony concluding in a settlement almost identical to the one they’d worked out for themselves – except for the £150,000 deduction for lawyers fees!!
Incentives, innit?
Wait until they get into it, for the average person the divorce process will cause atreas and animosity. Can’t sort thr money out until paperwork is done, paperwork takes 6 months plus…
Bullshit. Nothing has changed. This parlor gossip is written by a woman for women.
Womanbrain:
It’s partly my age and life stage — divorce rates are highest among men aged 45‑49 and women aged 40‑44, according to figures from the Office for National Statistics. But what’s interesting about being part of the zeitgeist is that you know there is safety in numbers.
There is no safety in numbers.
Reminds me of my sister’s 21st. Years prior to that dad had an affair, with an old family friend, mum and dad divorced and eventually dad remarried to his mistress. All worked out ok in the end. So the birthday party was held at Mum’s place and she invited Dad and out of courtesy his new wife. OK, they weren’t exactly on speaking terms but they could manage to be polite and just avoid each other. All credit to my stepmother, she was very respectful about it.
My brother had an absolute hissy fit. Made a big scene about refusing to sit at their table, went and ate by himself on a chair with the plate on his lap, whining that it wasn’t right. I was incredibly pissed off with him for his childish behaviour. Social codes indeed. My sister had no sympathy for him either so it didn’t ruin her day 🙂
My parents divorced 40+ years ago and each got remarried. My father died last year, and at the funeral we had a slide-show of family photos that included him with my mother and us as kids, and then him with new wifey and new kids, all perfectly naturally. If my Mum wasn’t too ill to get out of her nursing home and bouncing around between poles, she’d have been fine attending, most of the other guests were joint Mum&Dad’s friends.
In fact, Dad & new wife attended my Mum’s & new hubby’s wedding.
Edit: In discussing the funeral arrangements, we discussed long-ago memories, and I found it eye-opening exactly what had been happening before their divorce, as a 9-year-old it had all gone over my head, and for us it was just “we’ve moved house”.
Exactly that. Both my mother and stepmother were at my Dad’s funeral, as is only right and proper. No issues that time. They were also both at my wedding, my brother knew better than to make a fuss at that. He was unavailable for the photos though, an hour before the reception, so he’s missing in action in the album!
Edit – I was a lot older, 22 maybe, when my parents split up. But I was still clueless until I got the talk. When you have an obstetrician father you get used to not seeing him around and don’t realise he’s moved out.
I got a French lawyer on fixed price. 3,000 euros + VAT if I recall. The ex had no liquid funds so her lawyer didn’t spin it out.
If you want an amicable divorce then you can instruct two solicitors on fixed price to iron out the details and the paperwork.
So it’s not always the fault of the lawyers. It’s also the fault of the court delays. Delay allows resentment to fester and…
What happy stories.
Y’all never met Gamecock’s X.
Different outcome.